


Finding Equanimity

by Annsabella



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drama, F/M, Horror, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:14:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 32,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24923674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annsabella/pseuds/Annsabella
Summary: The stress over the last three weeks due to the aftermath of theEquinoxhas shaken the crew's faith in Captain Janeway's leadership. Making matters worse,Voyagercomes across a species that not only appear human but extends an invitation to settle on their world, an offer which is more than tempting for many onboard.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Tom Paris/B'Elanna Torres
Comments: 14
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

There was something about being exposed, almost naked before the universe which invoked a torrent of emotions that were humbling yet freeing, frightening as they were magical. Captain Kathryn Janeway stood on the hull of her ship, _Voyager_ , with only an environmental suit standing between her and the mystical wonders of the realm known as space. Currently, she was occupying an area known as the Delta Quadrant, and if she wanted to compress it to an even smaller region known by the locals as the Kentaurus Expanse. 

Right now, _Voyager_ was orbiting a planet called Ovotus. The inhabitants externally could have passed for human, internally, however, was another matter. 

Their capital city was called Texxix named after its founder, nearly five-hundred years ago. They used the same neo sodium technology as the Federation, and she found herself awestruck that a race who could have been mistaken for her own at a glance, developed in much the same way Earth had. Walking their streets reminded her so much of home. The experience summoning its own mixed feelings. 

She had overheard many of the crew discussing the possibility of settling down here. They had been on this journey going on six years now, and an invitation of this magnitude had become more than tempting to some when offered a chance to stay. 

It wasn’t just their growing weariness of the long voyage ahead which had enticed so many of her crew to rethink their options, part of it had been her recent behavior regarding the _Equinox_. Captain Ransom had drawn out a part of her she didn’t normally tap into, rage and revenge. What he allowed to happen under his purview was an afront to everything she stood for and what she had been taught to believe and hold dear. Her reaction, which had been a normal aversion to his behavior, was allowed to grow and expand beyond healthy tolerances, it became personal. 

Her overall behavior was inexcusable, promising, and prepared to hunt him down for as long as it took to end his reign of terror over the nucleogenic creatures he murdered just to harvest the bioenergy they emitted to get his ship home faster.

It had only been three weeks since the _Equinox’s_ destruction, ending Captain Ransom’s life in the process. She had done a lot of self-reflection and soul searching since then and came to realize something about herself she hadn’t considered a possibility until recently. 

It came in a perfect moment of clarity one evening when her thoughts were making her too restless to sleep. If their roles were reversed, and she was the Captain of the _Equinox_ instead of _Voyager_ , and if she had had the same kinds of experiences he’d described from their initial arrival, would she have done the same thing or continue to resist and cling to Starfleet protocols? The honesty she had with herself at that moment repulsed and worried her. Yes, she might have, and it was this subconscious knowledge that had caused such a profoundly visceral reaction which became the catalyst to every decision thereafter in regard to capturing him. 

If she could stop him; it would prove she was justified to express the behavior she exhibited. She had ruffled a lot of feathers, frayed a lot of nerves, and severely damaged and strained a level of trust with her crew it had taken years to develop. The majority of them had lost faith in her ability to lead and behave appropriately without going to extreme measures or risking their lives for the sake of revenge. They didn’t begrudge her those feelings, but as Captain, she was expected to behave at a higher level of reason and restraint, and she couldn’t disagree with that. 

The tether she hooked to _Voyager’s_ hull allowed another level of safety, in case something happened to the magnetic connection of her boots, a malfunction that would leave her to float away in space with no means of getting back to _Voyager_ unassisted. 

She walked along the hull, moved to a good spot that allowed her to watch the planetary sunrise from a distance. Even in her quarters she never felt truly alone. There was always the potential of someone stopping by to speak with her, but out here, it was extremely unlikely. 

This wasn’t the only reason she had decided to take a stroll across the hull, it was also the recurring dream she kept having nearly every night after the destruction of the _Equinox_. The dream never showed her how the events occurred that led up to its disturbing conclusion, but what she saw was beyond unsettling. 

She and Chakotay were floating in space, their uniforms being the only protection from the vacuum and cold, which meant no protection at all. She watched as his eyes began to crystallize, forming a thin layer of ice from the moisture residing there. Her eyes were doing the same, making it impossible to see him clearly. She had reached out her hands before they became too stiff to move any longer and grasped his, which he had clung to before they died. Forever connected, even in death, until any number of things broke them apart.

Lifting her arm, she tapped the controls on the wrist unit and disconnected the magnetic connection which kept her feet linked to the ship and allowed herself to drift. The tether was the only thing keeping her from floating away. Gently she pushed off with her legs so she could float and stare up at the stars completely weightless. One might think of floating in the womb, and the tether being the umbilical cord, her only lifeline to _Voyager_ , the mother which kept them all together and protected. 

Her family was on the verge of breaking apart, and she didn’t know how to rectify the growing chasm between them in the time left to her before a decision was made. Ordering them to stay would solve nothing, and only add another layer of resentment, and most of them had reached a point, given their new choice, that they wouldn’t follow it anyway. 

She couldn’t blame them for staying behind, starting a new life for themselves. The opportunity occurred years ago when they discovered the 37’s, however, they were human and flourishing out here in the Delta Quadrant. Many of the crew resented her then too, having made the decision to destroy the Caretakers array and leaving them stranded in an unknown part of space. Cutting them off from everything familiar. She had expected many of the crew then to abandon the journey in favor of new challenges and security and was surprised when none of them left. 

This time was different. She had lost control of herself, allowed revenge to cloud better judgment, and alienate her crew. Also, she hadn’t offered them the option to consider the invitation of the Vanther, they were deciding on their own, and her opinion had no bearing on their current choice. Either they would go or stay, and depending on how many decided to leave, she would be forced to abandon the journey and spend the rest of her life here on Ovotus. 

Too many things had happened this far in the journey which gave many of the crew pause, to truly stop and reconsider their options. Hindsight would become the foundation, the vehicle that would drive them toward a new journey or continue on their current path. It was only a matter of time now before she knew the answer. 

She felt a tugging on the tether, and herself being pulled back down to the hull. Another hand, also covered in an environmental suit reached out and tapped the controls on her arm, reactivating the magnetic boots which reconnected her to the ship. Slowly she turned to see Chakotay’s face though the helmet, a slight frown obscuring his handsome features. 

_“What are you doing out here Kathryn? I’ve been trying to reach you over the com for almost an hour. I’d been waiting for you to join me on the bridge for about twenty minutes when I asked Harry to locate you. He already knew where you were but didn’t volunteer the information until prompted to do so.”_

_“I asked him not to say anything unless someone asked. I just needed a little time to think.”_

_“Out here?”_ He questioned, _“Not the safest place to venture out on your own. Why take the risk?”_

She didn’t have a good answer, not one that would satisfy him anyway, _“I felt I needed to,”_ was the only reasonable response she was willing to offer. 

His frown only deepened, _“You had me worried. As your first officer, it’s my job to protect you. You’ve certainly made that an interesting challenge today, but it’s time to head back inside, the senior staff has some things they want to discuss with you.”_

She nodded, knowing this day was coming. Removing the tether, it recoiled and rescinded into the housing unit on her back as she walked with him to the airlock. Once they were inside, it re-pressurized and they were able to exit the docking port and into the locker room were the environmental suits were being stored. They said nothing further until reaching the corridor.

“I don’t suppose you’d like to tell me now what you were really doing out there,” Chakotay said. 

“I needed the distraction,” she answered.

“We have holodecks for that,” he offered, “and it’s much safer.”

She gave a soft sigh, “I know, and you’re right, of course, but that’s not what I needed.”

They entered the turbolift as he gave the order to go to deck one before halting it. Turning to her, she was forced to interact with him in a way that left her no options other than hurting his feelings, and she’d done enough of that already.

“Then what do you need Kathryn? You are my best friend, and the thought of something happening to you is unacceptable to me,” she seemed stunned by the admission, “I know the past three weeks have been rough, and everyone is feeling the strain, but you can’t put your life at risk like that, not without a good reason. You turned off your com badge. What if something had happened and we needed you on the bridge? Harry probably could have reactivated the com signal but that’s hardly the point. I just don’t understand what’s gotten into you lately.”

Melancholy, that’s what got into her, but she didn’t know how to get out again. It wasn’t just the issue of the crew wanting to stay, part of it was the reoccurring dream she’d been having about him. Was it a metaphor? An omen? A sign? She had no idea, and that was the problem. Seeing it playing over and over in her dreams nearly every night was invoking and reaffirming feelings she already possessed. Ones either she hadn’t been able to reconcile or didn’t know how to. Of everyone on board, this man in front of her was the most important in her little universe. He knew her better than anyone, even Tuvok, they had developed a rare closeness. 

It was easy to hide things from Mark, he wasn’t Starfleet, and he abhorred space travel, avoided it whenever necessary, preferring to keep his feet planted firmly on the ground. There were things she’d never discussed with him when they were a couple because they were unnecessary. He wouldn’t have understood and appreciated them the way others who were in the fleet would or could. It allowed them to be close in other ways, but not like she was with Chakotay. 

He understood her completely, good and bad. He knew what the life of a Starfleet officer demanded, what it took away, how it separates you from the people you’re entrusted to care for. The decisions which had to be made that could risk someone’s life other than your own. Not every order was going to be popular, sometimes only accepted grudgingly because their training as a member of the fleet told them they had to follow it without question, unless the order was unreasonable or immoral, or went against every tenet the Federation stood for. 

Its why Captain’s didn’t get chummy with the lower ranks, once you became involved in your crew’s lives, developed any kind of association outside a professional one, it makes the job harder on both sides. The commanding officer begins to lose some of their objectivity, decisions to send someone possibly to their death became real dilemma’s. On the other hand, the crew member begins to see you as more than just their commanding officer, they think of you as a friend. And how could a friend ask you to risk your life on behalf of the ship or the mission? 

The change that prompted this time-honored tradition to be put aside occurred the moment she told Tuvok to fire on the array, even though it was something that was given no thought or consideration. The choice only became clear once the reality of their new circumstances was given time to breathe and settle, did it occur to her. They had become a family, born out of a culmination of events that left them stranded in an unknown part of space, vaguely knowable through imagination as the Delta Quadrant. 

Amendments had to be made, time-honored traditions reexamined, and the choice to cultivate crew associations hadn’t really been a choice at all. She would need those associations to stay sane, to stay connected to her humanity and remind herself what it meant to be human in the first place. Had she let it go too far? Was it this need to stay connected lead her into the position she currently found herself? Maybe…probably…

“I apologize Chakotay, I shouldn’t have done it.”

He seemed somewhat frustrated by the response, “I’m not looking for an apology. I’m trying to understand, as your friend, what made you behave that way in the first place. You know we care about you, all of us, and when we see someone, we care about behaving recklessly you can’t help but question it.”

Were they still talking about the same thing here? She wasn’t sure anymore, “Is this about the _Equinox_?”

He stopped, the question changing his expression to one of consideration, “Maybe that’s part of it, but not all of it. I didn’t try to shut you out Kathryn, I just needed time to think about what happened, and I came to realize that what Ransom brought out of you was something I don’t think even you expected. In the end, I think your reaction to it scared you more than the rest of us. Yes, your behavior did prompt the crew's current outlook, and that’s what we want to talk to you about. We have a suggestion that might seem radical but may help us in the long run or blow up in our faces, but the current situation couldn’t be any worse for trying.”

Eventually, she nodded, a numbness rippling then settling inside her. Her emotions had been placed in a kind of autonomic suspension for the time being. It depended on what they wanted to tell her which would determine the direction her emotions took after that. It felt as if her mind were holding its breath in some way until it had more information. 

He offered her a gentle smile a gave her a wink, “It’s not as bad as you think. In fact, once you consider the idea you might come to like it,” he encouraged.

Somehow, she doubted it, and on some level, he knew it too. 

“Computer, resume,” he said, and they were off again.


	2. Chapter 2

The tone in the briefing room shifted the moment she entered. She had heard their voices as the doors opened, jovial, cordial, relaxed, but upon seeing her enter with Chakotay, the atmosphere changed, and she couldn’t blame them. They were respectful, friendly, but there was always a tension in the room when she entered as if her presence were merely being tolerated. 

She never sensed the tension until later, although she had been vaguely aware of its existence at the height of her mania. All that mattered at the time was capturing Ransom, and she was too consumed by those feelings associated with the obsession to really notice or care how her behavior was affecting the people around her.

Never did the feeling become as noticeable as when she arrived at the potluck dinner Neelix put together the evening the _Equinox_ had been destroyed. Up until then, Chakotay had been the only person willing to engage her in any kind of conversation, professional or otherwise. Their friendship had been severely strained over the incident, and he was understandably reserved and cautious about how he expressed his feelings. 

No one had even mentioned the dinner to her until he said something, and if the crew had their way, they would have kept her as far away from the event as possible. Even though she had made some kind of peace with Chakotay on the bridge, the rest of the crew wasn’t even slightly eager to let bygones be bygones. 

She brought the croutons for the salad Chakotay said he was replicating for the dinner, just as she said she would. However, it was quite clear her presence wasn’t welcome, vaguely tolerated would be a more appropriate description. No one approached her, eye contact was limited to recognizing her form before looking away again. It was the quickest attendance of a crew get together she had ever participated in. There was only a murmur of conversation in the room while she was there, a smattering of laughter as if everyone were holding their breath. When she left, there was an immediate burst of energy and she could hear the laughter and discussion begin in earnest. 

No one was going to ask her to leave, but at the same time, made it clear she wasn’t welcome in the first place. This get together was for them to release some tension, the tension she was responsible for creating. That was the first time she decided to take a stroll across the hull while they were still stationary and making repairs, to get as far away from everyone as possible without actually having to board a shuttle and leave the ship entirely. Not that anyone would probably care or notice at that point. 

She’d let Ensign Hickman at ops know where she was going, and she acknowledged the information and made a note of it in the ship's log in case anyone needed it, despite the fact it was protocol to enter the data anyway. The young woman was professional over the com, asked no questions, made no comments, just acknowledged what she’d been told, and took appropriate action. 

To anyone who’d never heard any conversation between the two of them, it would have sounded appropriate and efficient. But to anyone who had, it would have been cold and off-putting. There was no friendliness in her tone, which until then, had always been there when Janeway spoke to her from time to time, but was now severely lacking. It was just one more reminder of how royally she’d screwed up, and how far the boundaries were now set. 

She spent nearly four hours on the hull that night, walking, floating, and doing a lot of thinking. At one point she even considered stepping down, offering the position of Captain to Chakotay, perhaps he would do a better job. However, in the end, she dismissed the idea, seeing it for the copout it was. It was just a fleeting thought, a way of temporarily shirking her responsibilities because she was feeling sorry for herself. 

No, she would have to face the music as they say. Take the silent criticism and keep pushing forward, taking her lumps as they came. She would have to prove her worth to them again. It would take time, and it would be painful, but eventually, she would re-earn their trust. As fate would have it, time would not be on her side when they met the Vanther. All it did was increase the distance between them and present the crew with a rare opportunity and a glimpse of home.

Their buildings, streets, people, plant life, animals, could have been taken from anywhere on Earth and transported here to Ovotus. It was a truly amazing coincidence, like a Norman Rockwell painting if he were painting life in the twenty-fourth century. It could have been home if she didn’t know they were in the Delta Quadrant, and this presentation of life wasn’t lost on the crew at any point. 

They spoke the same language, used the same alphabet. Their books were filled with stories that were similar in many respects to their own culture and were rich in the details of centuries past, of histories and literature that fired the imagination. Books that told stories of knights, kings, and queens, of lost love, hope, and resilience. Pirates that sailed for lost treasures on ships that defied the stormy and unpredictable oceans they crossed. Slavery, oppression, conquering of whole nations. Freedom, courage, and self-determination. The desire to reach beyond the stars and explore the wonders of the universe, to look between every tiny crack, examine every nebula, scrutinize every star cluster, and see for themselves if life existed beyond the borders of their galaxy. 

Once the crew was able to experience these treasures for themselves, there was no doubt it would formulate the idea to seriously consider abandoning the journey altogether. Their species may look the same on the outside, and the internal differences were not significant enough to prevent them from finding someone to spend their lives with if they chose to start a family of their own. Even if the events of the _Equinox_ had not happened, and there was no strain between her and the crew, the temptation of their invitation to stay would still hold tremendous power to sway their decision. Many of whom she’d overheard saying that this was probably going to be the closest they would ever get to Earth in their lifetimes. So why not seriously consider the possibility of hanging up their uniforms and start living a normal life again? 

They had warp-capable ships that were on par with the Federation, if they wanted to explore space, they still had the ability, but also knew they could return home on occasion. If they wanted to pursue other interests, they had options. What they didn’t have to do, was continue on a journey where the chance for success was minimal and uncertain at best. Especially now when they were serving under a Captain, they had lost a great deal of faith in. A person would have to be crazy to pass on the opportunity, right?

No words were spoken as she moved around the large table and took her seat at the head of it. Chakotay taking the one next to her. None of them made direct eye contact, which told her one thing, they wanted to stay. That is, except for Seven and the Doctor. Both had been stranded aboard the _Equinox_ for most of her tirade and were not directly exposed to the worst of her behavior. They were both friendly, but cautious. Once they’d learned of the events aboard _Voyager_ during their absence, it gave them both reason to pause and consider the horror stories being shared with them from an outsider’s perspective. 

If it had only been a handful of people who had taken issue with the Captain’s behavior it would have been easy to dismiss, not everyone was always going to be happy with every decision made and take issue with it. However, it wasn’t just a handful of people, every person on board who had the inclination to speak with them about her recent behavior painted the same unflattering troubling picture. Both of them at different times had gone to speak with those they trusted most, which was limited to the senior staff. 

None of them would confirm or deny the allegations, preferring not to engage in what they considered idle gossip. The only one who came close to acknowledging the Captain’s previous behavior was B’Elanna, and only as a means of trying to defend her actions. Saying that if the Captain let her emotions get the best of her she could hardly be blamed for it. Ransom had to be stopped, and she was not prepared to leave the two of them one second longer on the _Equinox_ than necessary. B’Elanna understood rage and anger better than most, had been a slave to it all of her life. Knew what it was like to have it take control over you and just be swept along for the ride. So even though she was aware that Janeway had gone too far, she felt too much like a hypocrite to fully admonish her for it.

Chakotay however, didn’t want to discuss it at all, with anyone, and blatantly avoided answering any of their questions. Although Seven hadn’t picked up on it during her brief discussion with him, the Doctor had. He could see how his feelings were truly torn by the events. Anyone who knew Chakotay well could see how he felt about Janeway. It was more than just a close friendship for him, there were feelings there he was vigilant not to express. Hoping that one day she would stop pretending their feelings for each other didn’t exist and just allow them to progress beyond the close bonds of friendship. 

It was something the Doctor had noticed on occasion, a look or a touch shared between them that would appear to the average observer as two close friends sharing a moment. However, he had seen the look in both their eyes, a longing that had never been discussed or allowed to progress without obstruction. It would last for only a second before the feeling was shuttered behind personal forcefields as if it didn’t exist.

He felt sorrow for him, loving a woman who obviously shared his feelings as far as he could tell, but continued to keep herself at a distance because of duty, protocol, and honor. He understood her reasons for it, knew the protocols as well as she did. He even witnessed her channel those feelings into a man who possessed the power to take her ship, separate her crew, and end their journey home but didn’t. 

The Devore Inspector, Kashyk. She had come to him discreetly, her face flushed with embarrassment in relation to the requests and questions she came to ask him. Stressing the importance of what she was here to discuss be kept highly confidential. She gave a brief explanation of why she had come to see him. Sighting that she saw the potential for an opportunity she could use to exploit their guest but wasn’t sure if she could go through with it or not, but just wanted to be prepared should she decide to use the advantage. 

The request had been unusual, especially for her, and had to call upon every subroutine to keep his expression neutral. It wasn’t his place to judge, and it wasn’t as if she were suggesting anything that would violate Starfleet protocols, albeit one. It was the only reason why she was here speaking with him, to begin with. She didn’t need him to procure the item she needed, she was the Captain and had the clearance to obtain it without his input or approval, but she did ask for it in the end, and he provided it. 

She wanted to get clearance to engage in an intimate relationship with an alien species, Devorian specifically. Based on his scans and bloodwork of Kashyk, he was able to create a full medical profile on his species and didn’t see any medical abnormalities which would conflict with human physiology. So, he gave authorization and administered the contraception injection she’d also requested. 

Personally, he thought it was a mistake, something she shouldn’t have been considering unless she planned to keep him on board. Had she been planning to ask him to stay at some point? He knew personal questions of this nature would have been rebuffed, delving into a realm of privacy Janeway was extremely protective of. 

He’d never know for sure if she ever went through with it, allowed herself to sleep with the man, but after both their deceptions had been revealed and the way she kept herself reserved, especially around Chakotay, over the next few weeks gave him a reason to speculate she had. 

Chakotay turned to her and offered a soft smile, he knew she wouldn’t like what he was about to suggest, knew it before he told her in the turbolift that once she had time to consider the idea she might come to like it. She would hate the idea, just the thought of it would be enough to make her want to stand up and walk right out of the briefing room without hearing any explanation or reason. For her, no reason would ever be good enough to suggest going through with it, and all of them knew it.

“I know you’re well aware of the crew’s overall mood for the last three weeks, and there’s no need to go into detail about it, what’s done is done. What we do want to discuss with you is the overall consensus the crew is expressing about staying here on Ovotus,” he paused, gaging her reaction so far, and didn’t see any hint of what she was thinking yet, if she were allowing herself to think anything, “The senior staff have discussed it amongst ourselves, trying to devise a solution that would be agreeable to everyone and ease the tension. We believe we’ve found a solution, however radical, that could resolve the problem and possibly bring the crew back together.”

Words like agreeable, radical, and possibly did not sit well with her. They implied uncertainty, which was not a good place to be. They could be agreeable to the radical idea of possibly starting a mutiny. Should she be okay with that? If it meant in the long run things would be better for everyone in the process?

“We believe it would be best to give them a taste of what they think they want. Allow them to stay for a while, given time, they’ll come to realize that even though what the Vanther are offering seems like a dream come true, eventually they may come to realize that it doesn’t compare to the real thing. Yes, for a while they’ll be happy here, but we believe that in the end the pull toward home will too great a temptation to resist, and by then they will want to resume the journey.”

There were more of those uncertain words again. Eventually, may, temptation. 

She didn’t speak for a few moments, which seemed to surprise and worry them at the same time. If the situation were different, she might have found it comical, but there was nothing humorous about what they were suggesting. 

“What if they don’t? What if the majority of them decide they want to stay? Does that mean the people who want to keep going are now stuck here for the rest of their lives? Should what they want be ignored and swept aside based on the majority? How long would you suggest the waiting period should be? A week? Month? Year?” She asked the questions calmly, reasonably, but inside she was screaming. 

She hated the idea, every facet, every detail, even the suggestion. But what could she really say at this point that would change their minds? Nothing. They would have to try it, she wasn’t in the position to suggest further consideration on the matter, seeing that their minds had been made up. She would have to accept the real possibility that this was the end of their journey. That what she wanted was no longer relevant or would factor into any alternate suggestion. 

“The truth is,” Chakotay began, “we don’t know. What we do know, is that we can’t ignore it. To deny them the choice would only create a situation that would soon spin out of control, and deepen the existing rift, making an already tense situation become unstable. If we’d never stopped here, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, we’d be trying to find other ways to push through and resolve it. In time, we all agree it would have blown over because they know, as we do, deep down that’s not the kind of woman you are. You lost control, it’s not something that’s exclusive to just you, we’ve all had those moments, but given your position, it’s unfortunate that the people who don’t know you as well as we do saw something different. They saw their commanding officer, the person they looked to as their example and guide on this journey succumb to rage and revenge. It doesn’t sit well with people, it frightens and concerns them, and it doesn’t matter how good a track record you have for that to be forgotten when witnessing one extraordinary lapse of poor behavior and judgment.” 

She couldn’t disagree with anything he’d said. The thoughts had already occurred to her. It didn’t mean she had to like it though, “Make the announcement that we’ll be staying. I suppose I can only hope it will be temporary,” she said and stood up, “Is that all you wished to discuss, or is there something else?”

“No, Captain,” Chakotay said, “That was it.”

She nodded and headed for the door, keeping her composure as she quietly left the room. She managed to keep that composure all the way to her quarters. Entering, she slumped to the floor and released the tears she’d been holding in, thinking that she was a failure, berating herself for not maintaining control over her feelings when dealing with Ransom. Now, she would have to pay the price of that mistake by losing her ship and its crew, perhaps permanently.


	3. Chapter 3

The sun rose over the planet’s surface, and Chakotay was awestruck by the view. It was then he understood one of the reasons why Kathryn, as of late, was continually drawn to wander _Voyager’s_ hull. He didn’t need to ask the computer or operations where she was, the pattern forming over the last few days once she didn’t answer the chime to her quarters. He could see her standing several meters away, assuming she was watching the sunrise. She wasn’t aware of his presence yet, and he wanted to keep it that way for a while. 

She was a unique and complicated woman; one he had fallen in love with on a nameless planet in the Delta Quadrant. The feelings he developed had been fragile at first, born out of a culmination of circumstances beyond their control. He had been drawn to her long before their stay on the planet, but love was something unheard of in his life, a state that other people occupied. His life upon leaving Starfleet held no room for the abstract concept, only war. 

He had lost people before, colleagues, friends, even family. Their deaths hadn’t always made sense but had been more palatable. There were usually acceptable reasons for them, old age, foolishness, duty, but the death of his family garnered no justifiable reason in his mind. Territory, boarders on a star chart, a line drawn in space that now said this place belongs to someone new. 

No ballet had been cast, no vote called, there was no discussion with any of the Federation citizens affected by this unfathomable change. They were simply told to leave or stay at their own risk as if the choice could be reconciled easily. Their homes, lands, communities, histories, were now the subject of eminent domain. 

The Cardassians had been eager to claim their new territory, were not prepared to share it with those they considered beneath them but were still cautious of. As arrogant and paranoid as they were, dominance was always at the forefront of their consciousness, along with the acquisition of secrets. For them, they were more valuable than any currency, and rarely ever lingered past their sell-by date. The secrets which could be obtained via the Federation colonies were invaluable, and it was decided they must be recovered by any means necessary. 

The death of his family and the destruction of his home colony had become one of those means. He had argued with the Federation council for months over the relinquishing of their colonies. Had gone to every admiral, every ambassador, every representative who would listen. The Federation had made a grave mistake, a massive miscalculation that would result in a tremendous loss of life. His warnings had been summarily ignored and glazed over with pages and talk of legal precedents. 

There was nothing legal about annexing a life, and nothing they had to say would ever change that. 

Since the formation of the new world economy in the late twenty-second century, money, which had been viewed as the source of all men’s woes, was at last vanquished and gave rise to a new way of living. Replication. What would have required trade or barter in the past, could now be reproduced in mere seconds. Food, medicine, household items, could all be obtained from the convenience of your home. 

Few places on Earth used currency, and their purpose was to only deal with the exchange of alien currency given their new place in the galaxy. So, when Chakotay had learned of the destruction of his colony, the death of his family, he traded away everything of value at the alien exchange and used that currency to purchase a ship, the Val Jean. He couldn’t go home, the Cardassians had taken root there like a weed which could not be thwarted. There would have to be another way, a new means by which he could uproot their presence and salt the ground to make it unattractive to these new inhabitants. 

That’s when he reconnected with Sveta, a friend he had known from his days at the academy. She encouraged him to join the Maquis, a new group being formed out of necessity to keep their colonies intact. He joined them willingly, doing everything he could to help stop what the Federation had allowed to happen. It was a legal invasion of territory, although anyone who believed in the Maquis cause wouldn’t have called it that. 

As their cause grew, they garnered more sympathy from the people back home, but sympathy doesn’t provide weapons, food, ships, medicine. What they needed was tangible support. It’s how they found the Bajorans, a race who had been oppressed by the Cardassians for years, they provided what little means they could to help fight a war on two fronts and seemed to be losing both. 

The death camps, the experiments, the rampant cruelty, beatings, starvation. Families separated, torn apart by circumstances beyond their control, torture was a daily occurrence. However, they had a movement of their own, one who fought back mercilessly, the Resistance. They became comrades-in-arms, brothers, and sisters forged in blood. Chakotay understood their nature, their need for freedom. He helped them attain their goals as often as possible. It’s why his name kept coming up in Starfleet’s intelligence briefings. 

He was a man who knew how to get things done. He had the knowledge, the training, knew how the Federation thought, knew how Starfleet operated, and was able to circumvent many of their attempts to stop what they considered to be a reign of terror. He became one of the Federations most wanted fugitives and had to be captured at all costs. These were the circumstances that brought the _Val Jean_ and _Voyager_ together, and by chance, he, and Kathryn. 

The first few weeks were the hardest, but necessary. They couldn’t operate as two separate entities, so it only made sense that they join her crew, a Starfleet crew. His comrades weren’t happy about this, all of them having deep-seated hatred for the Federation and what they stood for. Their ideas might be noble on the outside, but inside, as far as they were concerned, talked out of both sides of their mouth. Saying they were against oppression, needless slaughter, but on the other, quietly supported the Cardassian's right to enslave and murder with impunity. 

He understood their feelings well because he felt them too. However, they were seventy-five thousand light-years from the Alpha Quadrant, and for them, the war was now over. There was nothing they could do any longer, and to continue the fight would be pointless. They needed the Starfleet crew as much as they need them. Too many had been lost in the incident which stranded them in the Delta Quadrant on both sides. He knew, due to this necessity for all to survive, they would need to find a way to work together. 

He had gone on a vision quest, called upon the spirits of his ancestors in order to guide him. What they showed him was confusing, at times unsettling, but overall enlightening. He kept seeing a woman, dressed in a red and black Starfleet uniform, her back turned to him, her long hair flowing down her back, the color of honey and fire. She was leading him somewhere down a winding path. At times, she seemed hesitant, as if she’d lost her way and didn’t know what direction to take when arriving at a fork in the road. Soon, she would decide and head off again.

Down the winding path they went, she never turned around, never showed her face, and he was never able to move closer in order to catch a glimpse as if he were being held back by invisible means. The path would sometimes grow dark. Thick smoke would cloud his view of her, but she never left him behind, always waiting, always watching for the next obstruction. Then the smoke would clear, and she was radiant, her hair shimmering in the sunlight. He wanted to reach out and touch it, to run his fingers through the gleaming lengths. 

Suddenly she stopped and slowly turned toward him. Her skin incandescent, her eyes lustrous, and as blue as the waters of his youth. Her smile brilliant, radiating warmth and mirth. He’d never seen anything so beautiful, so pure and fragile. He felt an overwhelming sense of protection, an inexplicable need to give her anything, everything her heart desired. He would help her find home.

She was now standing before him again, this time dressed in an environmental suit, but unlike the vision quest, he was able to catch up to her. He noticed she’d neglected to attach her tether as he had, whether the action had slipped her mind he couldn’t say. She certainly had a lot on her mind lately, so something as innocuous as a forgotten tether would be easy to forget. 

The way she lifted her arm he found unsettling, something about the simple movement formed a knot in his stomach he couldn’t explain and began moving with haste. Pressing a few of the buttons on the control pad, the magnetic connection of her boots was severed. He began to run as fast as he could, screaming her name as his hands reached for her. He could see her bending her knees slightly, giving herself the power, she needed to push off the hull and hurl into the unknown. 

She made it two or three meters up before feeling a weight attaching itself to her calves and gripping her tightly, pulling her down again. The weight moved up the contours of her body through the suit until her feet touched the solid hull underneath. An arm, sturdy yet trembling, held her firmly in place as the other found her tether and attached it to one of the many locking points, pulling her down with them as they bent to complete the task. 

Both were now sitting on the hull, her newfound companions’ boots holding them in place as they pressed her as close as possible to their chest. A second arm came around to reinforce the other. If they were speaking to her, she wouldn’t know, her com badge left behind and environmental suit com system deactivated, but she could feel their body trembling violently. 

She didn’t want to be rescued, didn’t want to be talked down by anyone out of some sense of obligation one living being provided another. This was the end of the road for her, the winding path she had been traveling for the last six years had come to an impasse. She had failed in her mission to bring her crew home, and in doing so lost them. She had lost control of herself, and in that one poor lapse in judgment lost everything she thought had defined and gave her purpose. There was no place left for her she had thought, except the vast, cold, and vacuous region known as space. 

***

It had happened thousands of times, the familiar sensation of being transported. She and her companion were sitting on the transporter pad, and the technician had rushed over to help them both to their feet. Reaching up, she removed the helmet and heard the first sounds fill her ears within the last three hours. A hand, still trembling, grasped her arm and began pulling her out of the room and into the corridor. She looked over as they passed and saw Chakotay’s face. He appeared both angry and frightened. 

This was the last thing she wanted, of everyone on board, he was the last person she wanted to see her that way and thought she should have done it sooner. She shouldn’t have waited for the sunrise, shouldn’t have decided that that would be the last beautiful image her eyes took in before the end. Now, she would have to face him and listen to him berate her, reminding her of all the reasons why she had chosen to end it in the first place. 

He said nothing, only led her to the turbolift, and couldn’t bring himself to call out the deck he wanted, just stood there frozen in a torrent of feelings he never thought he’d have to deal with. Finally, unable to speak, he used the keypad and punched in the number to the deck he wanted, holding her arm, the thought of letting go never occurring to him. At this rate, he might never let go of her again. 

The turbolift opened, and it took a moment for her to realize where they were going, his quarters. Well, if he was going to unleash his anger, he’d want to do it in private, away from prying eyes. She kept silent the entire way, having neither the will nor desire to explain her decision. He knew what she was attempting to do as well as she did.

His hand shook as he tried to punch in his code, the fingers of his hand biting into her arm, but kept silent. It took several tries before he could get his hand to stop shaking long enough to punch the code in properly. Once the doors opened, he pulled her inside and dropped his helmet. Turning toward her, he grabbed the helmet out of her hand and threw it behind him. 

Releasing her arm, he reached up to unclasp the locking mechanisms which held the suit together. Without words, his eyes instructed that she step out of it while he unfastened his own. She did without comment. When they were both free from its constraints, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her, his lips crushing hers. She could feel years of pent up passion, adoration, and love conveyed through that kiss. The intensity was overwhelming, staggering, and astounding. 

She was stunned, her arms poised in the air, and felt a hand in her hair, the other on her back. His arms and hands wielding the power to hold her in place. She couldn’t think, couldn’t conceive of any response other than to grasp him around the neck and shoulders and pull him closer. It was an unspoken promise, one which had been made years ago, that one day she might stop pretending that her feelings for him didn’t exist. 

The passion that rose up began to surpass his own as her hands began to wander, trying to reach every place she had ever longed to touch but never gave herself permission to. His grip loosened slightly, allowing her access as his hands wandered her petite frame. The kisses became more passionate, less desperate, and settled into a comfortable balance between the two. 

His fingers clasped the zipper of her uniform, pulling down, impatient for her to be free of it. He needed to show her how much she was loved, how fiercely he needed her. Like oxygen, he couldn’t breathe without her. 

She didn’t resist the invasion, swept up in a tidal wave of fervent libidinousness, and allowed him to divest her of all integuments that kept them separate from one another. Closing her eyes, she let her senses take over, allowing herself to feel every sensation his hands and lips made against her skin, her hands holding him wherever his movements allowed her to occupy.

He lifted her up, her legs wrapping around his waist without thought as he carried her into his bedroom and laid her back onto the bed. He watched as her body squirmed deliciously before him and removed his clothing as quickly as possible before covering her body with his own. He kissed her hard as he entered her, forcing a gasp past her lips before feeling her kissing him back. 

His movements were hurried at first, a part of him expecting her senses to return at any moment, stopping him from completing the act of love he’d wanted to bestow upon her for so long. She seemed to melt into his embrace, this same dance being performed across the universe, but felt it being executed in a way she’d never known. His lips moved like silk across her skin, his hands firm yet reverent, his movements assured but confident, and the subsequent explosion that followed was like a tightly wound coil yearning to be released. 

She cried out his name, unable to stop herself as her body pushed impossibly hard against him. He held her tightly, her name rolling off his lips. Time held no relevance, no distinction from any other moment. All that was felt was what they truly meant to each other, if only once. 

Tears fell from his eyes as his body shook, his face buried in her neck. He’d come so close to losing her, if he hadn’t been there, she would be floating somewhere in space. Perhaps she would be alive, perhaps not by the time anyone noticed her absence. It could never happen again; he would never allow her the chance. 

Her senses began to return slowly, and part of her began to realize that what she just allowed herself to indulge in would only further complicate their already complicated relationship. She’d known for years how he felt, and when it finally dawned on her, wasn’t ready to progress beyond friendship. The parameters she set in place were there for her protection, not his. To keep him separate from the feelings she was trying to reconcile between the love she still had for Mark and the strong feelings she was developing for him. 

Those feelings scared her by how quickly they arose, faster and with more intensity than they had for any other. There was a time she almost allowed herself to be intimate with him. They had gone for a midnight sail on Lake George, she wearing the rose he had presented in her ready room, tucked up into the messy bun she placed it in. 

The conditions were perfect, the moon full, and the sight of him dressed in comfortable white pants and top, the only splash of color being the open shirt he wore over the t-shirt, manning the sail. It was breathtaking and felt herself holding it more than once. Under the light of that moon, she began to think back to a time they were on New Earth.

She had just gotten out of the bathtub he’d built upon hearing something moving in the woods. She got out and wrapped the towel around her with no thought as to how exposed she was really leaving herself. When the excitement had passed, she felt his gaze on her, suddenly feeling the exposure she hadn’t given forethought to and saw an instant desire and lust in his eyes before he’d caught himself. 

That night, she had looked at him the same way, and he could see it. When he noticed, his breath began to quicken, his body tensing slightly. This time, it was he who seemed uncomfortable, making her wonder for the first time if his feelings had changed and if he didn’t actually think of her in those terms any longer. She looked away at that point, her gaze settling over the water and allowed the moment to pass.

In many ways, she was thankful the evening hadn’t ended in anything more than what was initially promised. If he had reciprocated at that point, she couldn’t be certain how their friendship would have progressed, especially when examined under her mercurial mindset. 

Now she laid on his bed with him on top of her as he sobbed inconsolably into her neck. She didn’t know exactly how to feel at this point, her own feelings obscured by the hard light she’d shown on them. A muffled sound erupted, harsh and frantic. She pushed against his shoulders gently, indicating she couldn’t hear him clearly. He pulled back, his face streaked with tears, his expression anguished. 

“Don’t you ever do that to me again,” he said evenly, barely able to restrain himself from shouting the demand, “I would be broken without you. Especially knowing you felt you had to…” he couldn’t finish the sentence, his throat choking with every emotion he felt for and about her and took her face in his hands, forcing her to maintain eye contact, “From now on, you come to me if you’re feeling lost. All you need to do is look in my eyes and see the love I have for you, that I will always have for you. Do you understand?”

His eyes were penetrating, soul-searing, and hadn’t realized or noticed the tears falling from her own. She knew, deep down, he meant every word, and nodded her understanding. He kissed her then, gently, lovingly, letting her know how profound his love was for her. It was the kiss that infused a sense of meaning back into her life where she thought there was none and found herself accepting the love he was offering, for once.


	4. Chapter 4

Janeway ordered _Voyager_ to land at the coordinates the Vanther provided. It was the last order she officially gave as Captain before the crew would prepare to disembark and begin what could be a new life on Ovotus. 

Chakotay accompanied Janeway to her quarters, still afraid of what she might try before leaving. After they had finally admitted their feelings for each other yesterday, it only made him more anxious. He wasn’t going to lose her, and until she began to behave more like herself, he wouldn’t dare let her out of his sight. She had acquiesced to his continued presence, knowing that it made him feel more secure, and in a peculiar way, she did too. 

She had awoken this morning in his arms, a position she never thought she’d be in while on _Voyager_. What happened between them was unplanned and unexpected. He needed her, more than he ever thought possible. The idea of her death was something he never allowed himself to consider seriously, and the way she had chosen to do it was something he’d never considered at all. It wasn’t like her to just give up, but under the extraordinary circumstances, he should have paid closer attention instead of dismissing the idea altogether. It was a mistake he would not allow himself to repeat. 

He helped her gather some of the items she wished to take with her, mementos mostly, a few pieces of clothing, some personal items, but not her uniform. It was as if she couldn’t bear to look at it anymore, not without being instantly reminded of the reason why they were here in the first place. The idea that this move might only be temporary was a foolish notion. This change would be permanent, an assumption she had made from the moment it was suggested. Her days of captaining a starship through the Delta Quadrant toward home were over as far as she was concerned, a change she could only blame herself for. 

“Is that everything you want to take with you?” He asked gently, looking at the three small bags she had on the bed. 

She nodded, zipping them up. 

“This isn’t the end you know,” he reminded, “don’t count the crew out yet, I have a feeling they’ll want to resume the journey, just give them time.”

She said nothing, unable to see the optimism his tone implied and put a bag over each shoulder, carrying the third in her hand. Heading toward the door, he grasped her arm gently as she passed, stopping her progression, “Kathryn, I know it’s difficult, but try not to see this as defeat. We have no idea what the future will bring. In a couple of weeks, we could be back on the road heading for the Alpha Quadrant. Anything is possible.”

Yes, she thought, anything was possible. Just like the dream she had again last night, the one where she and Chakotay were floating in space, except this time, they weren’t dressed in their uniforms, it was casual attire. She could still see his eyes begin to crystalize, just as hers did, their hands reaching and clasping the others, locked together in death. The image seared into her mind's eye, unable to be forgotten.

“We should go,” she said quietly, not looking at him, her eyes fixed on the door. 

He gave a soft sigh as he released her arm and noticed the bruise his fingers had left for the first time. Grasping it again, he lifted the arm and examined it closely, raising the short sleeve of her shirt, “Oh Kathryn, I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. Why didn’t you say anything?”

She only shrugged the shoulder of the arm he held, preferring not to discuss it, “Don’t forget your bags by the door,” she reminded in the same quiet voice before stepping forward, gently allowing her arm to pull away from his grasp. 

He knew it would be a while before he saw the woman he loved return to him. As long as he stayed by her side, continued to be a source of love and optimism, she would eventually come around, at least he hoped. Her depression was obvious, at least to him, not that many of the crew would care or notice at the moment, and this knowledge invoked a deep sense of anger. They had a right to feel the way they did, but at the same time, didn’t have the right to shun her into feeling so worthless that the only recourse she felt left to her was removing herself from the equation.

Perhaps this stay on Ovotus would do all of them some good. Give them time away from the confines of the ship and allow themselves a chance to step back and reevaluate their positions. Maybe then, they would come back to their senses and remember how exceptional a captain she really was. How compassionate, protective, and caring a woman she had been to all of them. If not, he would remind them. The planet may look and feel similar to home, but it wasn’t. He still wanted to see the real thing, regardless of what consequences he might have to face later if or when they were able to reach it. 

Following her, he stopped to pick up his own bags and headed out the door. She waited for him in the corridor, then began walking toward the turbolift side by side. She didn’t feel like talking, he knew, so he let her be and entered the lift with her, one that would lead them to the cargo bay to a new, and hopefully, temporary life. 

***

Their first few days on the planet were spent getting acquainted with their new environment. The last thing she needed as far as Chakotay was concerned, was to be allowed to stay locked up indoors all day. She needed to get out, see life, hear laughter, smell the flowers, and walk amongst nature's riches. They’d spent too many years living inside rooms constructed of titanium, duranium, and transparent aluminum alloys. It was time to experience the other extreme, one that could only be truly provided from living on the ground. To have real sunlight shining down across their shoulders. To look up at the moon and see the light reflecting off it and illuminating the world in a mystical glow, giving rise to the feeling of being connected with all that could be seen and unseen by the naked eye. 

Outside the walls of their modest home, they never showed their true feelings for the other. That was personal and private information that belonged to them alone. Besides, if they did resume their journey, the last thing either of them wanted was to confirm the crew’s speculations based on all the idle gossip either of them happened to catch about their relationship over the years. Were they, or weren’t they? Were they only close friends or was there something more going on between them? 

On the back porch, in the evenings, they would sit outside on the lounge furniture and drink a glass or two of wine and enjoy the others company. She did her best to try and hide her sadness until it could be made pliant. What had been an extreme reaction to the crew’s continued disdain of her over those three weeks was not discussed, the topic glossed over until it had time to settle. His feelings were still very raw regarding the subject, and like her, didn’t want to be reminded of it, preferring to distract them both with other interests. 

As another week passed, she became a little freer with her smile, and a little warmth and mischief would sparkle in the depths of her dark blue eyes. It was then he suggested they invite Tom and B’Elanna over for dinner, it would be nice to see them, having missed their presence. B’Elanna was someone who would always be dear to him, they had been through a lot together in their time as Maquis, shared a lot of good, and not so good times. Tom had become someone he’d grown to respect, having proved himself over time that he could become the responsible adult his father never thought he could be, but still managed to hold on to some of his childlike wonder, forever the kid at heart. 

Kathryn greeted their arrival with negligible hesitance but warmth, neither of them aware of what she had almost accomplished nearly two weeks ago, and how close all of them had come to losing her forever. 

Chakotay made the rice dish they had for dinner, and as they sat at the table eating and drinking wine, the invited couple couldn’t help but wonder why the two of them were living together. They both knew she had been struggling with the change, trying to find some way to come to terms with their new life here, but didn’t think either of them would want to occupy the same space, despite their close friendship. 

B’Elanna volunteered to help Chakotay clean up the remnants of their dinner as Kathryn and Tom retired to the back porch for conversation and more wine, waiting for the two to join them. Once they were in the kitchen area, she placed the used dishes inside the replicator as he began to wipe down the counter, having prepared the food by hand for a change and removing any remaining food particles he might have missed earlier. 

Leaning against the wall, she crossed her arms and studied him curiously, attempting to ascertain any clues from his body language. He had been somewhat reserved during the meal, his eyes flashing over to Janeway’s face quickly before looking away again, as if he were checking for something. What was he so worried about? She knew Janeway hadn’t been exactly herself for the last three weeks they were on board _Voyager_ , just as she hadn’t been herself completely now. However, she did seem a touch happier than she was then. It’s not as if she were expecting either of them to be jumping for joy by their new circumstances, remembering his feelings on the matter clearly during the senior staff’s discussion in the briefing room that brought them to this decision. 

They had discussed the situation for quite some time, going back and forth over the options and attempting to come to some type of sensible consensus. Janeway’s behavior had been unacceptable, and everyone who had been present during the ordeal could agree on that, Seven and the Doctor still held reservations and felt the current idea was leaning too far to the extreme. 

“Telling them they don’t have a choice in the matter isn’t going to sit well,” Tom argued, “I’m not saying we should land the ship and embrace life here, but taking the choice off the table isn’t going to make it go away. People are tired, they need more than just a break. We’ve been on this journey going on six years now. When does it end?”

“When we reach Earth, naturally,” Tuvok replied.

Tom gave him a look which conveyed his lack of appreciation for the statement, “Thank you, Commander Obvious.”

Chakotay conveyed a warning tone, “You have just crossed the line.”

He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, “I’m sorry Tuvok. I just hate this. I don’t like the idea of breaking the family apart.”

B’Elanna placed her hand on his shoulder, understanding his feelings completely, and said, “There has to be another option other than accepting the Vanther’s invitation or declining and telling the crew we’re moving on and they’re just going to have to get used to it.”

“Perhaps there is,” Neelix offered, all eyes turned to him immediately. If there was a third option, they were eager to hear it, “Let them have a taste of paradise.”

“Pardon?” Chakotay questioned, confused by the statement.

“When I was still a trader, having left my homeworld after the Metreon Cascade, I too felt lost and without a home. And not unlike yourselves, I had a lot of mixed feelings about it. I could never go back again, not for another hundred years until the Metreon particles decayed and dissipated. I was angry, and like a lot of people, wanted Talax’s ruling council to strike back at the Haakonian Order. I had just lost my entire family, and I didn’t see any reasonable option at the time other than revenge. 

“In many ways, I understand why Captain Janeway behaved the way she did perfectly, even though I do agree it wasn’t appropriate, just as mine wasn’t. I tried to find a way to strike back at them in the beginning, trying to garner support for retaliation. I never told you this, but I was asked to leave Talax for a while.”

Several eyes around the room widened slightly by the revelation, surprised. 

“So, I loaded up my ship and headed for a nearby colony that reminded me of Rinax. I thought I didn’t need their support or their approval, and I would strike out on my own if I had to, but over time, cooler heads prevailed and I came to realize that anger and grief are unpredictable and elusive little creatures, and can make you reach out for things you think you want at the time but really don’t.”

He leaned forward and clasped his hands in front of him, “Right now, the crew is angry, they’re frightened, uncertain, reminding them of all the feelings they had when they started out on this journey. Regardless of how that happened, it’s not a comfortable place to be, especially when they look back on what’s happened to them so far over the last few years. Captain Janeway, without realizing it, gave them a glimpse of their possible future. They were and are, just as horrified by not only what the crew of the _Equinox_ had done, but how they allowed themselves to get there. 

“It’s not a great stretch of the imagination to wonder if that might be us someday. That it’s only a matter of time before we start making what seems like tiny concessions in relation to our morals and values until we reach the point where we’re killing people for their technology and resources in order to get home faster, that those choices become reasonable options. It scares them because it’s not as if the line being crossed is visible, giving a clear indication when it’s being passed over. It happens through what seem like minuscule and insignificant choices, creating a cascade, and before you’re even aware of it, you’ve become the very thing you abhor. 

“So, I would recommend giving them a taste of freedom, allow them to truly step away for a while with no constraints or expectations. Let them wander, explore, and once the newness wears off, they’ll start to yearn for the journey again. The pull toward home will eventually become inexorable, alluring, overpowering. Because home is home, and no matter how far the road is or how treacherous the path, there’s nothing that compares to it.”

The room fell silent for several minutes, no one moved or made a sound. All of them were thinking over what Neelix said, the choice becoming clear and arriving with little fanfare. When they began to look upon each other’s faces, they knew there was a grudging consensus.

Chakotay began to speak, being the first to break the silence, “The Captain’s not going to like this, in fact, I think the decision might kill her, but I don’t see another reasonable option. Do you?” He asked the group, and all gave a slow solemn shake of their heads, with the exception of Seven and Tuvok, each giving their agreement verbally. 

Now they were here on Ovotus, and B’Elanna was standing caddy-corner from Chakotay as he diligently wiped the counter, “So, how’s she doing?”

“Better,” he answered, not turning or making any move to look at her. His answer delivered simply and with little emotion.

She frowned slightly, knowing that Janeway’s overall mood might be improving, but one of her dearest friends, was not, “How are _you_ doing?”

He hesitated, only lasting for a second, “I’m…okay.”

“Just okay?” She asked surprised, “I thought you would be happier in many ways, being surrounded by nature again.”

“I am,” he said, finally turning to meet her eyes.

She gazed at him knowingly and said, “Tell that to your face.”

He frowned and turned back to face the counter, mindlessly wiping it again, “Is there a reason for this inquiry?” He asked, trying to keep the intense emotions she was stirring up out of his voice.

She scoffed, “If showing concern for a friend is a reason for inquiry then yes, guilty,” she replied, and placed a hand on his shoulder, feeling an immediate tension surface upon her touch, “What’s going on? Has something happened?” She questioned, instantly worried and deeply concerned. The tension in his shoulder seemed to spread and intensify until he was trembling, with what she couldn’t know without seeing the expression on his face. He was starting to scare her, “Chakotay, what’s wrong?”

There was a soft gasp, an intake of breath as his head fell forward, stilling the motion of his hands. She knew he was a deeply private man, always showing his feelings cautiously and usually unwillingly. “She tried to kill herself B’Elanna,” he said so softly she almost missed it.

“What?” She questioned, completely stunned. That wasn’t like her, he must have misunderstood something, or she did, “That’s not possible,” She stated with conviction.

He turned toward her angrily, almost snarling, seeing the tears assaulting his eyes and cascading down his cheeks, “You think I can’t tell when someone’s trying to kill themselves?” He demanded, his voice rising.

Putting her hands up in apology, she looked around, waiting for the sound of running feet but heard nothing, only Tom’s laughter wafting from the back of the house, “You’re right I’m sorry,” she apologized, keeping her voice low, hoping it would put him at ease and encourage him to do the same, “What happened?”

He leaned back against the counter for support, gripping the edge with both hands, trying to get his emotions under control, “The last week before we left to come here, that I’m aware of, she’d been spending a lot of time wandering _Voyager’s_ hull,” he shrugged his shoulders slightly as if he was only guessing the next part, “Maybe she felt it was the only place she could be alone, where no one would silently ridicule or bother her,” he said then paused. 

She could see he was struggling to continue, and quietly encouraged him to go on with her eyes, at his own pace, in his own time. Whatever he witnessed had obviously shaken him. 

“She was watching the sunrise,” he said softly, looking past her as if he had spotted something of interest way off in the distance, “I watched it with her, even though she didn’t know I was there, at least I hope she didn’t,” then his eyes focused downward, staring at but through the floor, “I saw her reach up to tap the control panel on her arm,” B’Elanna watched him performing the same motion absently, his eyes taking on a curious expression, “There was no way I should have known something was wrong, but in my gut, I knew and I started rushing toward her, screaming her name even though she couldn’t hear me. I watched feeling helpless as she bent her knee’s slightly,” his actions continuing to mimic his words, “then she pushed off with no tether and I jumped with no thought, just feeling complete panic and desperation as I reached for her. I managed to grip her in both arms around her calves and let our combined weight pull us back down,” it was then he met her eyes, the tears poised but no longer flowing freely, “I had never been so terrified in all my life B’Elanna. It felt like my heart…” he didn’t finish, unwilling to reveal any deeper feelings of vulnerability and looked away. 

She would have given a years’ worth of replicator rations for him to finish that sentence.

There were no words, her mind reeling from the knowledge. Now it made sense why they were living together. He was afraid that if he left her alone, she might try it again. Her heart ached, never having stopped long enough to think or consider how much Janeway might have been affected by the crew's conduct toward her, of how acutely or keenly she felt their animosity. 

“I’m so sorry Chakotay,” she said, tears stinging her own eyes, “I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this burden all by yourself. You should have said something to someone, _anyone_ before now.”

His eyes pierced hers as he reached out and gripped her hand, “You can’t say _anything_ to _anyone_. Understand? No one must know, not even Tom,” then his grip loosened. Pleading he said, “Promise _me_.”

She nodded before the words pushed past her lips, “If it means that much to you. I _swear_ , on our friendship, I’ll never tell another living soul.”

He nodded in satisfaction before replicating a box of tissues. They each wiped at their eyes, nose, and faces. Laughed at each other as if showing emotion were some kind of humorous secret no one would know about or understand. The laughter raised their spirits somewhat, and it felt good to just drive away some of the tension and seriousness in the air. 

After checking each other over in order to make sure their faces didn’t appear as if they’d just been crying together for the last fifteen minutes or so, made their way outside to join the conversation, each putting on smiling, happy, and jovial expressions in order to mask any unpleasant emotions that might still be lingering, and pretended that all was well with the universe.

***

That night, Kathryn had reached for him, and even though she had kept her hands to herself until now, he wasn’t exactly in the mood for lovemaking but would do whatever he could to get himself there for her sake. 

She kissed him gently, her hand resting against his chest in the moonlight. He summoned as much passion as he could manage, which wasn’t enough to keep her from noticing, “What’s wrong?” She asked softly, pulling back to see the part of his face that wasn’t covered in shadow. Turning his head to look out the window, revealed his expression without intent. Her concern grew steadily, “Talk to me Chakotay, tell me what’s bothering you,” she encouraged lightly.

His eyes stayed fixed on the moon outside the window, unable to meet her eyes directly, “I…” the words trailed off, unsure of how to approach the subject or how to begin. 

She waited patiently, would wait all night if she had to. If something was bothering him then it was bothering her, it’s just how these things went when you were in love and the object of your affections was hurting. 

He sighed softly and tried again, knowing she would never let it go until she knew the extent of his feelings, “I just don’t understand why you did it,” he began before slowly meeting her eyes, “Was there ever a moment you considered how I might feel about losing you? I know we’ve never sat down and really discussed our feelings for each other, so part of me understands how the thought of how deeply you would have wounded me might not have occurred to you. But as extremely close friends, did you ever stop to think about how your loss might have affected me? Even remotely?”

He was putting her on the spot, and it wasn’t the most comfortable or desirable place to be. She felt his hands grasp her hips, knowing her skittish nature when it came to divulging any intensely personal feelings. She stared at him wide-eyed, her mind racing for a solution, searching for an answer he would be satisfied with, and he could see it.

“Don’t do that Kathryn,” he said, his features hard and serious, “Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. I want to know the truth.”

She wasn’t good at admitting that level of vulnerability. Making her accountable for her thought process while she was in extreme emotional turmoil. “I wasn’t thinking, period.”

“That’s a copout answer,” he said harshly, then forced his tone to soften, “I just want to know, for my own sanity, what was going on inside your head.”

She stared into his pleading eyes, begging her for an answer that would end the cycle of pain he was in.

“Did you know I was there? Behind you?”

“No,” she replied immediately and without hesitation, and a look of silent relief flickered in his eyes, but that was only a small part of the pain he was feeling. The hurt he felt rushed back into his eyes full force, desperate for alleviation, and she was the only one who could provide it. However, the answers in her mind didn’t come immediately, or with clarity, “I can’t tell you exactly what I was thinking Chakotay, that’s the truth. It was just a whirlwind of thought. I felt like a failure, a cheap imitation of a leader. I felt worthless as if I were a fraud playing at this existence. I was so consumed with self-loathing that I didn’t consider any ramifications for my actions because I honestly didn’t believe at that moment anyone would notice my absence.” 

Tears were spilling down her face by this point, as were his. It was a rare moment of authentic self-reflection, and in some ways, he felt more comforted and relieved by the answer than if she’d said the thought of him _had_ crossed her mind. 

His hand came up and caressed her cheek, offering a smile. She returned it haltingly, still feeling extremely exposed, and to him, she never looked more beautiful than when she was feeling vulnerable. Rolling her onto her back, he allowed himself to really taste of her lips for the first time, to truly savor the experience. 

She was shy and reluctant at first. Having just borne her soul to him, the experience unpleasant to say the least. She would have preferred having surgery with no anesthetic, it would have been less excruciating. However, there would always be a part of her who could never truly deny him any desire, especially after finally opening her heart to him, and began to kiss him back with equal fervor.

Their lovemaking was slow, full of love and intensity, and with enough passion to rival the love affair of Antony and Cleopatra. When they awoke in the morning, each felt happier and content, more than they had at any previous point. Life, as they say, would go on, and both took comfort in that arcane knowledge.


	5. Chapter 5

Fear was the enemy. 

Harry Kim had been learning its lessons well. For the last three weeks when most of his former shipmates were either taking jobs, exploring, or simply enjoying the good life, he was fighting to save his own. 

He couldn’t unsee what happened. It was perplexing, frightening, and life changing. Reality had shifted in the briefest of moments, everything he believed to be true about life’s constant assurance of banality changed in an instant. He may not live long enough to see his final sunrise, but he had to try. The others had to be warned if he could hold on to the memories long enough. They were already starting to slip away the further he traveled through the dense forest. 

He practically fell out of the tree line and into the clearing. Open ground was bad, a horrible option, but one he couldn’t avoid. The area between his shoulder blades itched like crazy, and without conscious thought, kept trying to scratch the area but couldn’t reach, rubbing it frantically against the bark of the trees he had passed, attempting to pacify the sensation and provide some relief, if only for a while.

An intense and nearly blinding white light appeared before him. Fear, he reminded himself again, was the enemy. If he were to have any hope of surviving, he would need to conquer it long enough to escape. Facing the darkest, most malignant parts of the soul was a task few could overcome once they were unleashed, but the memories were slipping away faster than before once the bright light appeared. 

Falling to his knees, brief flashes of shadowy figures surrounded him as his eyes kept going in and out of focus. He could hear a voice in his mind, the tone providing no comfort despite the words used. The outside world began to slip away as darkness rushed in to replace it. 

*** 

“I wish we had met twenty years ago,” Kathryn said content, holding Chakotay close to her chest, his body still covering her own. 

He smiled against her neck and turned his head to speak softly against her ear, “That’s an interesting speculation. I wonder how that would have happened?” He said, snuggling against her and bestowed a soft kiss just below her ear. 

She sighed, never having felt so at peace, so in love, “We did attend the academy around the same time. It’s a shame we never met.”

“Maybe we did but just don’t remember,” he offered softly.

“It’s possible, but it certainly didn’t help that I was blatantly ignoring anyone who possessed a modicum of testosterone,” she said, trying to invoke some humor into the statement.

He laughed softly, “Why? Where did the bad man touch you?”

The ridiculous statement made her laugh out loud, “No, it was nothing like that. I’d just gotten out of a bad relationship with a boy I went to school with before coming to the academy.”

He rolled them onto their sides so they could see the other clearly, “I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m glad the experience didn’t put you off the male species entirely,” and smiled.

She caressed his cheek, a crooked smile forming on her lips, “It wasn’t that bad, just toward the end, but it doesn’t matter anymore. My life certainly didn’t turn out uneventful.”

Gently, he ran a finger down her cheek, “No, it didn’t,” he agreed softly, “But let’s say we had met and fell in love. Do you think you would have continued with your career?”

She nodded slowly in thought, “Yes, I would have. I love science, and the idea of exploration has always pulled me toward the stars. I couldn’t have resisted that desire.”

“Fair enough,” he replied, adjusting his position slightly, “Let’s pretend in this fantasy scenario, that we had met, fell in love, and continued with our careers. Let’s also raise the stakes and say we had children.”

“Alright,” she agreed, shifting her position to one that provided just a little more comfort, readying herself to explore this scenario, “How many children are we talking about?” She asked cautiously.

“Five,” he said with a slight smile.

“Five?” she questioned, eyes growing wide, “Did we continue to keep pumping them out and starting again the moment they were born?”

He laughed, seeing the fear in her eyes despite the fact they were only discussing a fictitious scenario, “No, a couple of them could have been twins.”

“Twins?” She couldn’t imagine it, or perhaps she just didn’t want to.

“They do run in my family, usually skipping a couple of generations,” he explained, the smile still lingering on his lips. 

She sat up on her elbow, thinking, reasoning, “I’m not having five children Chakotay, even in a fictitious situation.”

He seemed a little disappointed, but hid it well, “Then how many would you consider reasonable?” He questioned and saw the wheels in her beautiful and brilliant mind immediately turning. Always trying to see the practical and logical standpoint in any situation as her eyes gazed down in thought.

Finally, she looked up at him and replied seriously, “One.”

“One?” Now it was he who was surprised, propping himself up on an elbow, “How did you arrive at that conclusion?”

Her smile returned, “It’s too late in my life to consider having children, but, I had always entertained the idea of having one someday. I just don’t think it would be fair to any child I might have had to split my attention any further than what it would already be. I can’t ever see myself not being part of the fleet, so my attention would always be divided between duty, honor, responsibility, and providing a child with all the love and nurturing they would need to grow up happy and not resenting me for feeling ignored.”

It was then he understood another mystery he’d sometimes wondered about, “It’s not too late you know,” he stated seriously.

“For what?” She asked, even though she had a pretty good idea what he was referring to, but fleetingly hoped it wasn’t.

“To have a child,” he confirmed, and reached out to stroke her arm, “Okay, we’re not the ideal age anymore to start having a family, but I’m not opposed to the idea.”

She was stunned, reeling at how fast the conversation had turned from fiction to nonfiction, “You’re serious?”

He seemed surprised by how foreign the concept was to her, “Yes, you know I love you as much as you love me. Or am I reading too much into your feelings?” She shook her head slowly, “I may not know that much about babies, and I could be wrong, but I don’t think you do either.”

She nodded in confirmation, “And that’s why this conversation is a moot point. It’s unrealistic to even speculate on the idea since we’re not seriously considering having any. Besides, we both agreed that this relationship needs to be kept private should the crew decide they do want to continue our journey home.”

He allowed his hand to settle on the upper part of her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, his eyes drifting down a moment to the mattress between them before looking up again and giving her a slight smile and a wink, “You’re right, it was just a silly thought, forget I even mentioned it.”

She sighed, able to see clearly, he really didn’t think it was. Reaching out she used her index finger to bring his face back to hers and gave him a soft kiss. When they parted, it was then he allowed her to capture his eyes with her own, “I’ll make a deal with you,” she began, which obtained his full attention, “ _If_ our relationship continues to go well, and _if_ we still find ourselves living here in a year, I will seriously give the idea more thought. I can’t promise more than that.”

His smile returned in earnest, “That’s good enough for me,” and seeing how happy she’d just made him, brought forth a genuine smile of her own before their lips met again.

He rolled her onto her back, kissing her fervently, holding her as close as two people could get without extraordinary measures considered.

The chime sounded, instantly dampening the feelings between them. Someone was here, and they needed to present a separate but united front. They scrambled off the bed. He grabbed his robe and hurriedly put it on while she headed into the second bedroom, the one set up to reflect a private sleeping area just for her. 

The chime sounded again, and he rushed toward it, unsure of what the time actually was. The sun was out and that’s all he could confirm, “Who is it?” He asked, tying his robe securely. 

_“B’Elanna.”_ came a frantic reply, invoking a deep sense of instant concern as he granted entry. The door swished open, and upon seeing Chakotay’s face, the tears in her eyes resumed their journey. She practically fell into his arms, gripping him desperately. 

“What’s happened?” He questioned in alarm and confusion.

“Tom’s gone,” she choked out, unable to force any further words past her lips.

Kathryn exited her bedroom, dressed in a nightgown and robe, “B’Elanna, what is it?” She asked the moment her eyes touched her face, feeling the same instant alarm Chakotay felt and moved toward them.

The grieving woman moved from Chakotay’s arms to hers, and Kathryn embraced her fully, offering her all the comfort she could provide. Her hand rubbed small circles on B’Elanna back, the other holding her close as the hysterical woman in her arms gripped her with her own, the back of her nightgown and robe balled between her fists as Kathryn made soothing sounds in an attempt to calm her. 

Chakotay moved and placed a hand on B’Elanna’s shoulder, lending his strength and comfort as his eyes met Kathryn’s in wonder, “Where did he go?” He asked firmly but gently.

She couldn’t respond for several moments, only grip the woman who’s comfort and understanding she often depended on when she really needed it. They waited, giving her time to pull herself together enough to speak, to enlighten them with the information they needed to understand the cause of this visceral reaction. 

“I know I don’t have any right to ask this of you, especially after I didn’t support you the way I should have, but…” B’Elanna began pulling back but found she couldn’t finish right away. 

Kathryn relieved her of the need to finish the sentence, “Never mind that, just tell us what happened,” and grasped her gently by the upper arms, staring intently into her eyes.

B’Elanna met her gaze and saw the same kind, caring, compassionate woman, she’d always known, “Someone, or something, took him. I couldn’t see it, but I could hear it. I was just paralyzed, I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, and it wasn’t because of fear. Something was holding me there; I don’t know what. I heard Tom cry out my name once, and I never heard him again after that,” she stepped back, a hand going to her forehead, looking as if she were trying to remember something unclear or cloudy that continuously eluded her. Eventually, she looked up, “I could hear a voice in my head, but I can’t remember what it said,” her eyes taking on a desperate pained expression. Reaching out suddenly, she gripped Kathryn by the arms, “Why can’t I remember?” She demanded.

“I don’t know,” Chakotay said, grasping B’Elanna’s arm gently, trying to entice her to let go of Kathryn and focus her attention on him, and the action only provided partial success and allowed the hand of the arm he’d grasped grip his instead, “Please, help me find him.”

“We will B’Elanna,” Kathryn said with conviction, “we won’t ignore it. Tom is family, what happens to one of us happens to all of us.”

She looked instantly relieved and released Chakotay’s arm to hug her again, feeling temporarily consoled and reassured. 

Kathryn’s eyes found Chakotay’s again, and she could see his determination as much as she felt her own. This would not be allowed to go unquestioned and unanswered. She would find out what’s become of Tom and what happened to B’Elanna. Why her memory of the events seemed to be slipping away, and she would find out if any of her former crew had experienced anything similar but didn’t feel they could or should come to her about it. She would show them that despite what happened, she still cared about their wellbeing and safety, and she would start as soon as possible.


	6. Chapter 6

A man was found inside a peculiar box.

It was manufactured with materials unknown to the Vanther, and how it appeared in the middle of a field was even more unusual and unsettling. It was enclosed on only three sides, the top left open as if the entity who had been responsible for its construction forgot to enclose the structure. The dimensions of the box were 0.60 meters per side (two feet) and could not be penetrated by any type of scan.

The man’s body was folded in such a way to fit inside perfectly. It seemed impossible that anyone other than a small child could crawl inside without being seen, and even that would have been difficult considering the box’s thickness. 10.16 centimeters (four inches). 

Zand Olza, planetary security, couldn’t understand who or what would do this. What would be the point? Where they trying to send a message? Was it a warning? A threat? He needed a lead to start from, a place in which to begin his investigation.

The box had been deceptively light. Based on the thickness and the unidentifiable materials used, would have assumed, as did everyone present, that it would be much heavier than anticipated. 

No one wanted to remove the body until they had collected every facet of information possible. Picking it clean until there were no conceivable clues available. What the medical examiner did know, was that the body was a human male. All the hair had been removed from the corpse, including eyebrows, eyelashes, facial hair, every imaginable place hair would have grown and been discovered. 

Zand worried that someone might be targeting their new guests, that despite their appearance, they were being singled out. There was a growing movement that began with a minority of their population, having developed a dislike of anything alien. They wanted their race to stay pure, to protect the integrity of the genome. It was a sentiment that was slowly gaining popularity. 

It was a ridiculous notion. Was anything actually pure? Their race had gone back centuries. Who knew for certain what genetic alterations may have been introduced into their population? Evolution alone would continue to make changes over time based on any number of factors. Organs made redundant because their original function was no longer needed, gradually and deliberately phased out over generations with new organs or their functions altered out of necessity. It was an evolutionary fact, one taught in every school to every child on the planet.

The body had been left in the field for several days, unbeknownst to him or anyone else that it had already been discovered twice but not reported, until recently. 

The first was an eleven-year-old boy. He had been setting traps in order to capture rabbits; however, he was trespassing on the land, knowing it was protected territory. He’d spotted the box sitting in the field, and when he moved to investigate, he noticed the body inside, filling him with terror. He ran, never looking back, trying to find a way to unsee what his eyes had observed.

The second was a man driving a hovercar on his way to a family function. The car had malfunctioned, forcing him to move off the road. Shortly after he’d landed, the power cable disconnected, not being a technician, had no idea what the cause of the power loss had been or how to repair it. Once he exited the vehicle, he began to hear what sounded like a wounded animal. Curiosity motivated his desire to investigate. 

Making his way into the dense woods, came upon the clearing and the box. After making his discovery, he also recoiled in horror at what the contents revealed. His decision not to report it was based on fear of being blamed or connected to the death in some way, and hurried back to the road, walking along its path until he came to a ranger station. 

After requesting assistance, he’d mentioned how he heard what sounded like a wounded animal upon exiting his vehicle, also aware that the land was part of a massive wildlife preserve. The ranger, after having someone drive the man to the nearest city, went to investigate. It was he who discovered the box and reported it to the authorities. 

Before Zand approached the radical group, he wanted to see if anyone from _Voyager_ could recognize and make an identification of the man once he’d been removed from the box. The medical examiner was the interpreter of the dead, the one trained to probe and scrutinize the unfortunate soul who had suffered horribly at the hands of someone who’s malice and cruelty could only be paralleled by the legends of ancient monstrosities. 

Each bruise, cut, and abrasion told a story. One they were responsible for deciphering. They would have to meticulously examine every detail of the information, for the dead do not give up their secrets willingly or freely. 

They did discover, however, an extremely telling clue, a minuscule metallic-looking tag found between their shoulder blades. The skin around the area of its discovery was inflamed and severely excoriated, appearing that whoever the man was had been using any means possible to alleviate an irritation the tag had created.

This was information Zand would keep to himself for now. He only needed to show a reconstructed holopicture of the man’s face. At the very least, it would give him a point of reference of not only who the man was, but where he might have been and who had been with him prior to death. It had only been a month since their arrival, and already, one of their crew members had been murdered in a horrific way. This did not sit right with him, so he could only imagine once Captain Janeway was able to take a look, how this would affect her or her crew. 

*** 

Kathryn was beginning to decern a pattern upon speaking to her former crew. The majority of those who had been some of her biggest critics while on _Voyager_ were finding themselves looking to her for help and answers. Recent events had been more than worrying, they were frightening. Out of a crew complement of one-hundred-forty-six, within the last month, fifty-four had gone missing. 

Before jumping to conclusions, she had to account for any number of factors that could explain why some of them were unable to be located. A few could have been traveling the planet, exploring what Ovotus had to offer and settled on other continents. A portion of them could have been off world, taken jobs with the planetary exploratory division or defense fleet. It was also conceivable that some just didn’t want to be found, having had their fill of crew relationships and simply faded into obscurity. 

If she had to, _Voyager’s_ sensors could determine how many humans were still on the planet, which would mean taking the ship into orbit. However, with so few of the crew nearby, it would be a struggle to get _Voyager_ space worthy. If they ran into any real trouble while they were in orbit, it was anyone’s guess if they or the ship would survive the trip back. She couldn’t operate the ship with less than one hundred if the worst happened, and that would still be pushing it. 

No one had seen Harry Kim in the last month or Tom within the last week. It was as if the moment Harry arrived on the planet, he appeared to be one of those crewmen who just didn’t want to be found and faded into obscurity. It had been surprising considering Tom and Harry’s close friendship, that he hadn’t even informed his best friend that he had any plans of leaving the housing area assigned to them. 

B’Elanna had informed Janeway and Chakotay that Tom had concerns, that the behavior wasn’t like him, but the circumstances of their subsistence on the planet hadn’t been exactly a normal occurrence either. The decision to stay with no guarantee that their journey would resume bothered Harry greatly. Probably more than anyone else on board, he wanted to see his family again. He and his parents were close, and the bond they shared, always had the potential of trumping all others. 

When she and Chakotay returned home from their discussions with the crew, there was a message waiting for her from a Zand Olza, planetary security. The message was short, asking her to come see him in his office at the main security complex in Texxix, which was close to where their housing had been arranged. He had a few questions to ask her about one of her former crew. 

It wasn’t the slightly abrasive tone which got her hackles up, it was what the message implied. She didn’t want to consider the idea that any harm had come to any of them, but there were too many missing pieces that begged for the question to be asked. 

She looked to Chakotay, worry in her eyes. He understood her feelings intrinsically and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. She could see the same look in his eyes, but he was able to hide it better than she could right now, knowing there was no reason to hide anything from him any longer. Their relationship and evolved past that, even if they weren't a couple, her attempted suicide had secured that unspoken bond.

*** 

Zand Olza was an unusual man. He held a small electronic device in his hand which never left, even though he was certainly capable of putting it down. Bringing it up to his mouth, he would draw upon its vapors as the device released a soft hiss, then blow the vapors out, trying to at least be courteous enough not to blow the vapor directly into their faces. It had a pleasant enough odor, reminding Kathryn of vanilla and butterscotch. 

“I want to thank you for coming,” he began, then gestured to the man sitting next to her, “Was he your first officer?” She nodded in confirmation, “I take it you don’t mind sharing information with him? Even of a sensitive nature?”

“Commander Chakotay is a trusted officer and a loyal friend. Whatever you have to say to me you can say to him,” she replied smoothly.

He gave a quick nod, as if that was all the confirmation he needed and leaned forward onto his desk, resting on an elbow, “There was an unfortunate incident I was made privy to yesterday morning, only because it is my job to know of such things. We found someone who I believe was a member of your crew, it’s the only explanation we have at this time to account for the fact that they’re human.”

She interjected by holding up a hand, “When you say, found someone, what precisely does that mean, exactly?”

He frowned, and drew another puff of vapor, “It means that they’re unfortunately deceased.”

She felt her stomach instantly plummet, her first instinct to reach out for Chakotay’s hand but quelled the impulse and grabbed her own instead. Summoning as much composure as she could and displaying only a veneer of resolve replied, “I see. Can you tell us what happened?”

The frown only deepened, and the notable indication of what that implied was not lost on either of them, “I’m afraid it’s more complicated than that,” he answered before progressing, “I would like you both to take a look at a holographic image our medical examiner put together and tell me if either of you recognize him.”

“Him?” Chakotay asked, suppressing the lump in his throat.

“Yes, the victim was male in this case,” then he paused, eyeing them intently, “Are you both up for this?” 

They nodded slowly, but he could tell from years of experience that no one was ever truly prepared to potentially see someone they knew, loved, or cared about in this way, knowing they were dead no matter how much the holo image made them look alive.

Pressing a few buttons on the desk, a 3D holographic image appeared. They added only a stubble of hair to the head along with eyebrows and eyelashes. Staring at the image, Janeway, and Chakotay both felt an instant and deep sense of relief. Whoever the man was, he wasn’t a member of _Voyager’s_ crew.

“Do you know this man?” Zand asked, even though he could see it on their faces that they didn’t.

“No,” Janeway replied, “Where was he found?”

“I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to discuss it,” he answered, looking somewhat frustrated.

“We still have a problem, however,” Janeway began slowly, “Since our arrival, fifty-four crewmembers have gone unaccounted for. There is also the matter of a disturbing event that happened several days ago you should be aware of. Perhaps, we can help each other with our investigations. My former chief of security could be persuaded to assist both of us with our current dilemmas. He has had over thirty years of experience in forensic and criminal investigations.”

He nodded, “Tell him to stop by my office and we’ll discuss it. If I find that we can use his help, I’ll let you know.”

It was the best news they’d heard all day.

*** 

The tensity and strain over the last week were taking its toll. Not just for B’Elanna’s despair that she might never see Tom again, but Harry and the rest. She had been staying with Chakotay and Janeway since the night he was taken. Janeway lay awake in her bedroom, never having slept in the bed until B’Elanna’s arrival, and stared at the door waiting for answers or sleep to arrive. Neither seemed to be lingering close tonight.

She wanted to be in the comfort of Chakotay’s arms, feel the security they provided. It had been difficult not to show their feelings for the other, pretending for the time being they didn’t exist while B’Elanna was present. However, if their journey toward the Alpha Quadrant somehow managed to continue, there would be many more nights like this. Where the line would be obscured for the sake of the crew. It was something both had come to accept and felt necessary to preserve the status quo. 

Chakotay lay on a cot he’d constructed the evening of B’Elanna’s arrival, allowing her to have his bed. She was too afraid to sleep alone, so he slept on the cot he’d placed under the window. He was there now, eyes closed, knowing there was little he could do about the present situation until Officer Olza had spoken to Tuvok and decided if he would consider using him in the investigation. 

Tuvok was just as perplexed by the news they’d shared with him. If the man found was not a member of the crew then who was he? Had a human from the planet where they found the 37’s made their way here somehow? They didn’t have interstellar travel, so it made the possibility unlikely. So, where _had_ he come from? It was a question that had all their minds working. Unless he was already here when they arrived, but the notion seemed too farfetched in order to consider the possibility. However, Tuvok would discount nothing until he had more information.

B’Elanna’s soft voice interrupted his thoughts and the silence, “Do you think I’ll ever see Tom again, or am I just deluding myself?”

Chakotay opened his eyes and took a breath. He would never tell her or anyone to ever give up hope. Sometimes, it was the only thing that kept a person going, “If there is one thing I’ve learned, anything is possible.”

“I wish I could remember exactly what happened,” she said, sounding frustrated, “It all just slipped away. If I hadn’t come to either of you and told you what I could remember, all I would have is this horrible feeling of something horrendous and frightening happening but unable to tell anyone why.”

He managed to roll onto his back, knowing that even if he wanted to sleep, she wouldn’t have allowed it until her mind was too tired to stop the thoughts circling in her head. “I’m sure you would have tried to stop whatever was happening if possible, but at the same time, you could have been taken as well and none of us would have been the wiser. The way the situation played out works in Tom and everyone’s favor who may have gone missing in the same way.”

She fell silent for a few moments before speaking again, “I keep having this reoccurring dream of Tom and I…” again she fell silent as if she were deciding if this was something she really wanted to share. 

Chakotay said nothing. If she wanted to finish that sentence, she would, and had no intention of forcing her. 

“Forget it…it’s not important,” she said finally, “Just get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning,” then rolled over onto her side.

As difficult as it was to turn in the cot, he decided he would lie in this position, hoping sleep would come soon. None of them wanted to just stand around waiting. They needed to help determine what was happening using any reasonable means that didn’t get them in trouble. Tuvok would let them know as soon as he knew anything, and it would be from there as to how involved they would be allowed to participate in the investigation.

The Doctor and Seven could also be used to help ease the process, but they were waiting until they could get Tuvok on board before suggesting anyone further.

Closing his eyes, he tried his best not to picture Kathryn here with him. Wanting to hold her as he had every night. It was agony for him, and it seemed difficult for her as well as she disappeared behind the door of her bedroom each night. 

A bright light permeated her room, almost blinding. There was no external noise as she lay frozen on her side. She felt paralyzed, as B’Elanna had described. There was a voice in her mind which told her she would be left undamaged, but the voice didn’t sound comforting in any way. It sounded monotone, with no depth of feelings. 

Her body began to float up toward the ceiling and went through the solid structure until she was outside. Her body continued to rise up past the tree line and high into the air until she was above the city. Soon, she saw the lip of an opening and passed through. The hatch closed and was held suspended over it.

The light was dim here, barely able to see, much less anything of detail. She had this instinctual feeling this had happened before but couldn’t recall the instance. She remembered hearing a voice telling her that fear was the enemy, one that had been extremely familiar, but couldn’t recall who the person was. 

She continued to float down several corridors until she came to a room. Her body turned it order to face the ceiling and felt herself being lowered onto something soft but firm. She still couldn’t move of her own volition but could feel hands touching her arms and legs. Her arms were strapped down by her sides under metallic restraints. Her panties were being removed, and her legs separated and placed into metallic clamps, staying bent at the knee. A bright light appeared over her, blinding and unexpected. 

Fear may have been the enemy but was unable to stave off or dissipate the feeling. Shadowy figures crept around the edges of the intense light, hiding around the corners of her peripheral vision. A hand passed across her eyes, it was small matching the same color as her own skin, with elongated fingers. She wanted to turn her head to see the figure but was unable, some unseen force continuing to hold her in place. 

The figure leaned forward enough for her to be able to see their features. The head was larger than a normal human, hair long, and the color of auburn. Their eyes were impossibly large and almond-shaped reflecting deep blue irises. Their thin lips curled into what could have been a smile. In her head, she heard a soft feminine sounding voice that held more depth of feeling than the others who had invaded it. 

_“You’re going to be alright mother. You will be left undamaged. Do not be afraid.”_

It was a bit late for that. Kathryn kept her eyes locked on the figure, knowing that on some level, what the figure had said was true, even though she wasn’t certain how. 

A whirring sound invaded her ears, hands touching between her thighs as something cold was being inserted inside her, seconds later an intense pain erupted as a scream kept trying to push itself past her lips but was only able to make a loud humming sound. Tears fell from the corners of her eyes, trying to find a way to overcome the agony she was in. It felt as if her internal organs were under assault. 

The hand belonging to the strange figure which had called her its mother lifted their hand and began stroking her hair, appearing to assert what seemed like a comforting gesture.

_“I will have a brother soon, but do not worry. You will be able to have others if you decide to do so with the partner you have chosen. My father is not cruel. Now sleep, it will be over soon, you will awake feeling rested with no memory of our meeting. It’s the way it must be. Perhaps one day he will allow us to know each other, but you are not ready.”_

Sleep was the last thing she felt like doing. Fear, pain, along with a surge of adrenaline rushing through her veins. However, it was then that an inexplicable and overwhelming sensation of extreme weariness overcame her. Several seconds later, she was unconscious. 

Her eyes opened, sunlight filling the room. She felt an immediate sense of panic and fear, but couldn’t explain what had caused it, as if she’d had a terrifying nightmare but was unable to recall the details. Pushing herself up to a sitting position, the feelings began to subside as quickly as it had arrived and stood up. Putting on her robe, she stepped out into the living area to see both Chakotay and B’Elanna sitting at the table having breakfast. 

Chakotay smiled the moment his eyes met hers, “We were just having eggs and toast. Go replicate yourself a coffee and I’ll bring you some.”

She returned the smile and did as instructed. Sitting at the table, they enjoyed the light conversation. Kathryn kept having this nagging feeling that she was forgetting something important but was unable to determine what it was, and eventually pushed the feeling aside with the knowledge that if it were something truly important, it would come back to her eventually. 

Today they would receive word from Tuvok if he had been accepted as one of the members of the investigating team. From there, they could proceed forward with authorities to uncover who the man was and where he came from. If not, they would have to resort to plan B, which meant starting their own with what little information was available to them. Either way, she was determined to discover the culprit and put an end to a potential reign of terror.


	7. Chapter 7

Zand Olza found Tuvok to be highly competent and with a critical eye for detail. When he showed him some preliminary results regarding the current case, he had made an extraordinary observation that hadn’t occurred to any of them. The degree of precision in which the body was placed into the box was not done haphazardly, it was done with absolute precision. Whoever was responsible did not leave him there as a warning, more as a grotesque puzzle to be solved. 

Due to the materials used in the box’s construction, they too were part of the puzzle, which led him to believe that they could only have come from extraterrestrial means. It was then, Tuvok suggested Seven and the Doctor to Olza. Seven’s vast knowledge from the collective might be able to identify the materials used. The Doctor could perform his own postmortem examination, perhaps spotting some detail or details which could have been missed. 

As the lead investigator, he was able to grant such access but had reservations. A hologram and a former Borg drone would not sit well with his colleagues, and in turn, did not sit well with him either. However, he had no leads to speak of other than his own suspicions which had been dashed by Tuvok’s observations.

If this was indeed related to the growing movement of alien hating extremists, how were they able to obtain the materials used to not only construct the box but manage to fit the unfortunate individual inside without breaking any of their bones? Unless of course, their species possessed the technology to do so, and as far as Zand knew, they didn’t. Furthermore, why hadn’t any of the truly alien among them gone missing? Why start with a human? Why not a Bolian, Bajoran, Vulcan, Half-Klingon or resident Talaxian? Their differences more than obvious, and to Tuvok’s knowledge, none of them had gone missing.

Zand gave authorization for Tuvok to bring Seven and the Doctor in on the case and recommended that the Doctor go over his medical records for the _Voyager_ crew, perhaps there was something in his own database that could provide more information than the standard medical records requested when Janeway’s crew were granted residence on the planet. 

Tuvok also suggested that Zand go over any murder cases which were classed as unusual within the last five years at least to see if there was any pattern there with his own people. He also wanted to have Torres scanned by the Doctor, due to the fading memories. Where they being automatically suppressed? Had they actually occurred, or were they being induced in some way to tell the story they wanted to be told instead of what really happened?

Tuvok made all the arrangements with Zand’s authorization and waited to see what they came up with before following any lead. It was a highly unusual situation, to say the least. And one he was willing to accept their help on. 

***

Janeway had been advised of Zand’s cooperation though Tuvok and pledged to help in any way she could. Bringing in B’Elanna so the Doctor could scan her to see if there were a medical reason why her memories slipped away, or if it was being done through other means. The trauma she endured over the experience was frightening, but she hadn’t blocked out the memory to protect herself from mental harm, she clearly remembered what she was able to witness until she couldn’t. If the Doctor was unable to determine a reason, he would perform a mind-meld in order to verify if the memories were suppressed or gone altogether.

If this were the case, memory suppression, he wondered how many others had experienced the same phenomena. He would have to question the crew who were still nearby and see if there were any gaps in their memories, time in which they could not account for. 

As the Doctor ran scans of B’Elanna, he uncovered something extremely interesting.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” The Doctor commented as he studied the data rolling across his screen.

Zand and Tuvok were interested and made their way over to him, “What is it, Doctor?” Tuvok questioned.

“According to these readings, the memory engrams which should be present to indicate the presence of a suppressed memory aren’t present,” he said in fascination.

“What does that indicate?” Zand asked.

“It means they’re gone. It’s as if the memories themselves have been converted into random images that have been absorbed into the subconscious and replaced with memories if uncovered through regression therapies, would only give an account of a series of events they were comfortable with being revealed. The technique is highly sophisticated.” The Doctor couldn’t help his admiration for the procedure.

This only added an additional roadblock to their investigation. Tuvok turned to Zand, “Is this a procedure used in this world?”

Zand felt confused and horrified by the information, “No. Our neural scientists have dabbled with mind-altering techniques, but to convert memories into random images is beyond our capabilities. What about your Borg drone?”

The Doctor took offense with the way he’d chosen to refer to her, “She has a name Inspector Olza, Seven.” Then he noticed Tuvok’s raised eyebrow. The look conveyed that they were all on the same side, and how not everyone was comfortable with Seven, even knowing she was an ex-Borg drone still gave many a reason to pause. He felt himself acquiesce, “I’m sorry Inspector, I should be mindful of your feelings to what Seven is.”

Zand hadn’t even realized until it was pointed out that he’d even referred to her in that way, “Not a problem Doctor, I understand. It is I who should apologize for any offense I obviously caused by my poor choice in words. I shall endeavor to be more mindful of them in the future.”

The Doctor seemed satisfied with the apology. 

“So,” he continued, “Shall we go see what Seven has turned up?” He asked Tuvok, which was confirmed by him with a nod. 

***

Memories can be like ghosts, figments of the imagination. This is what Harry Kim thought as he sat staring up at the dim light. The confines of the room were no bigger than a large walk-in closet. Large enough to lay down to sleep or exercise, but not much else. Food would come in a tube and slipped through a slot in the door, same with the water, however it came in a larger fun size. 

He didn’t know where he was, whether it was night or day, the hour, season. The passage of time became a meaningless avenue of constant disappointment. He had vague memories of being other places, but no specific details, the images hazy and unnoteworthy. There was nothing affecting his long-term memory, however. He could remember coming to Ovotus, could remember moving into his decent sized single person home. He could also remember meeting a local woman on his first day out, Ephe Esse. 

She was a worker for the park reclamation project a little over two kilometers from his home. He’d decided to take a walk, check out the landscape, maybe meet some of the locals and get to know the areas of interest, of the places he should see or stay away from. He found her sitting on a bench having lunch when he approached and began asking the questions. She had been so friendly and welcoming that he took a seat next to her and continued their conversation. 

Ephe was an avid reader he discovered and a lover of music. The knowledge pleased him and began to discuss musical compositions, ones he loved and was familiar with and received several recommendations in return. She had a pretty face he thought, sweet, comely. She was certainly no Seven-of-nine, but who was? He wasn’t necessarily the most handsome guy around but was nothing to sneeze at either. When he compared himself to Tom or Chakotay he felt himself disappear next to Chakotay’s dark rugged handsome features and Tom’s pretty-boy good looks and bright blue eyes, but neither were here right now, just him.

She seemed almost shy, her eyes constantly moving away from his as if she were afraid of being caught staring too long, a slight smile gracing her lips as she did so. He found it alluring, charming and found himself being drawn to engage her in conversation for as long as possible until he ran out of things to say. They sat in silence for a few moments, sensing the awkwardness of the moment. 

She asked in a roundabout way if he was doing anything later, that perhaps she could show him around and answer any questions he might have about his new surroundings. He found himself jumping at the chance to spend more time with her, and she seemed pleased by his reaction. She advised him that her lunch break was over, but if he wanted to meet her after work, maybe get something to eat, she could take him on a tour. He agreed, and they set up plans to meet on the same bench at the equivalent time of seventeen hundred hours. He was beaming when he returned home, looking forward to seeing her later, however, he never got the chance. Fate, it seemed, had other ideas. 

Gas began to fill the room, weakening his resolve to move or resist its effects. He lay on the floor, nearly unconscious when the door slid open and he began to float up into the air, unassisted by any physical means of support, and out of the room altogether. Even with hazy memories, this was one that never seemed to leave his mind no matter how many times it happened. Floating through dimly lit corridors into an equally dim room. 

He was lowered onto something that was soft but firm, another familiar sensation he could never seem to be rid of before a bright light was shown into his eyes. It was all happening again, the cycle repeating itself in an incessant loop. No matter how many times other memories would fade and leave him, leaving concerning and alarming gaps in his consciousness, what seemed to happen in this room would never fade entirely. Perhaps it had happened too many times for the intense fear this room immediately evoked to ever really disappear. 

No matter how many times he reminded himself that fear was the enemy, it always returned full force and without restraint. He was feeling it now, even before anything had officially commenced. He couldn’t know what would happen, but he intrinsically knew it would be painful, unbearable, and terrorizing to a point that it left an indelible impression upon his psyche, once again forcing him to face the darkest and most malignant parts of his soul.

***

Seven was working diligently when Zand and Tuvok entered the room. Going over the data, trying to use the equipment provided her to analyze the composition of the box she’d been given. She had spent more time upgrading their equipment to suit her needs before taking a single scan. The job, as far as she was concerned, required the same degree of perfection she applied to all her endeavors.

“Have you had any progress?” Tuvok asked approaching her. 

“Yes, once I was able to upgrade the equipment the readings became clear,” she replied and stepped back to allow them to review the data for themselves as she continued her explanation, “A metallurgic deconstruction of the alloys used in its creation are Greotium, Ecliylium, and Iushuirium.”

Tuvok raised an eyebrow, “These alloys have been theorized by many species of the Federation, however, none of come close to creating them,” he commented, “By your assessment, may I assume the Borg have encountered this substance before?”

“Correct, species 087, the Hevain. They are highly advanced with superior analytical abilities, however, they made insufficient drones. Their cranial and substandard infrastructure was unable to support even the most simplistic of Borg cybernetic technology which led to their deactivation. The Borg assimilated a small vessel containing three members of this species but were unable to extract the information necessary to recreate the alloy themselves. Their collective knowledge was added over two-hundred years ago based on the Federation’s Earth calendar. There are some additional elements that have been added within that time frame which were still unknown to the Borg during the time I was a part of the collective.”

Tuvok nodded, “Have the Borg encountered this species again within that time frame?”

“No, they are a highly covert species. Their origins are unknown to the collective and were unable to be extracted from the three individuals they attempted to assimilate. They have a massive cranial structure, with a brain larger than any species encountered by the Borg. What the collective was able to determine, is that they have the ability to compartmentalize any knowledge they possess and withhold the passing of the data stored within certain regions of the brain. It is also noted, due to their weak endoskeleton, they are completely telepathic as well as demonstrating extraordinary psionic abilities. Based on records from that era, they were able to crush one-hundred seventy-three drones before their mental abilities were exhausted.”

“Fascinating,” Tuvok replied.

Zand looked horrified, “That’s not the description I’d use.”

“Yes,” Seven agreed, “It is unsettling to know there is another species as capable as the Borg possessing the abilities exhibited, and ultimately just as destructive.”

“How so?” Zand asked, feeling a peculiar mix of curiosity and terror.

“They appear to only be interested in the pursuit of scientific knowledge, whether that be biological, technological, medical, and so on. Their appearance has been documented over the years by a number of different species, including my own.”

“Please explain,” Tuvok encouraged.

“There has been recorded documented history on Earth, for example, going back as far as five-thousand years depicted in cave drawings. The Mayans have documented them on the walls of their temples. The ancient Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, have all made note of these visitors in some way. During the height of the Resonance, many of Earth’s early scientists and astronomers made mention of them, all speculating as to their origin. 

“The only so-called evidence discovered of an alien spacecraft and occupants occurred in Roswell, New Mexico in the mid-twentieth century. It was disseminated that the events of the crash were covered up by the United States government, claiming that what actually crashed was a weather balloon. Many speculated at the time that the remnants were transported and housed in a secret military base, eventually known as Area 51.

“The events have never been definitively proven; however, the United States did experience a significant technological advancement shortly thereafter which eventually spread to other countries. Earth’s first documented contact with an alien species did not occur until April 5, 2063, in central Montana, meeting the Vulcans after Zefram Cochrane’s first warp flight.”

Tuvok was well aware of the events known as First Contact, but the information was more for Inspector Olza’s benefit, not his, “Do you believe that the Hevain are responsible for this man’s death and the construction of the box he was found in?”

“I believe they are the only feasible suspect. The Borg have not encountered another species who can produce the materials discovered,” Seven replied.

This information did not bode well, Tuvok thought, “I believe we must information Captain Janeway of these discoveries,” he advised Zand, “ _Voyager’s_ advanced systems may be able to locate them if they are nearby.”

Zand did not like this. He’d seen a lot of horrific things over his many years of investigation, but this was certainly the most unusual and unsettling, “Inform your Captain I’d like to speak with her. We can provide her with the information both you and your Doctor have discovered. From there, perhaps we can discuss a strategy,” if one could be devised, he thought miserably.

Tuvok gave him a nod and left to do as instructed.


	8. Chapter 8

Life, as with most things, are a series of riddles, waiting to be discovered and unlocked. What was happening now was one of life’s such riddles.  
Janeway and Chakotay poured over the evidence provided, immersed themselves in the details. However, the experience only provided more questions than answers. 

They now had a good candidate as to who the culprit could be based on Seven’s research, but that didn’t necessarily mean the Hevain were the ones behind the death of the man or her missing crewman. It only meant, based on the knowledge Seven disclosed, that it was possible they could have constructed the box and placed the man inside. If this were indeed the case, it posed some difficult questions with no definitive answers. 

Why? Was the first question that came to mind. If they were this advanced two centuries ago, and if they were as covert and single-minded in their pursuits as she claimed, then wouldn’t they be significantly more advanced than just a few unknown alloys she was unable to name? 

The Doctor’s discovery didn’t hold much more hope for answers either, even with the sophisticated technique he discovered being deployed. It only meant that whoever was responsible, had invented a way of mudding the annals of the brain further than what human beings were already capable of on their own. 

Eyewitness testimony was notoriously unreliable, it’s only when compared to others who don’t know the other people who’ve provided the same information, that it begins to carry more weight. Each person, due to the sum of their knowledge and experiences, interpreting events differently. Getting each person to completely agree on a set of circumstances was often an exercise in futility, frustration, and disappointment. 

And what would be the point of leaving the man in a box in the middle of a field in the first place? What could be scientifically gained from such a venture they weren’t already aware of? Unless someone was trying to tell them something. A warning perhaps, to make them aware of the danger lurking nearby. It was an idea both agreed was worth investigating.

B’Elanna, along with Vorik, Seven, the Doctor, and Inspector Olza were onboard _Voyager_. Using their systems and technology in order to see if they could come any closer to retrieving an answer. She and Chakotay would be joining them shortly. Not just to share their idea but see what other clues or information her former crew were able to uncover.

***

Names are unnecessary, and according to some, a source of power. A person could tell you their name, but what did it really say about them? Does it provide some arcane knowledge you weren’t already born with or are you just as clueless about who someone is deep down despite whether their name was uttered? A name was more like a handshake, completely superfluous and outdated, its original and intended use forgotten and lost to many over time, or maybe it made the person feel more like an individual than just a science experiment. Maybe, it made you feel something for them on a personal level. 

There was no sense of meaning or originality anymore, she thought. What was the point of existence if one was meant to stay hidden and in shadow forever? There had to be more to life than the need for constant verification, analyzation, and study. She possessed a need for exploration, of freeing herself from the shackles of her mundane existence, and that’s precisely what she was going to do.

There was certainly a time and place for study, validation, the pursuit of knowledge; it was just the methods in which it was being garnered she had a serious problem with. Sentient species were never meant to harbor dominion over the other she had thought, that was for weak-willed individuals who convinced themselves and others of such nonsense because they were afraid of the unknown and didn’t possess the temperament or desire to learn in the same manner others do.

It was the reason why she had freed the man in secret, allowing him to remember all the dirty, frightening, and scarring things that happened to him. He would tell others, he would let others know about the terrible secrets they’d been keeping, and in doing so, bring her freedom in the process.

***

Beaming aboard _Voyager_ brought back strong feelings as if she were returning to the scene of the crime. This was where everything began to fall apart for her several weeks ago, where she lost control of herself and alienated her crew. In many ways, it reminded her of what their journey had been when they first started out on this trip. Many of the Maquis treating her with barely restrained animosity. 

She remembered Kurt Bendera’s funeral after barely surviving another round with the Kazon. By the time the battle ended, they had lost warp and impulse drive, weapons were offline, and their shields were gone. The look on Chakotay’s face at that moment was a look of helplessness, desperation, and barely reserved anger. She had managed to keep her expression under control. Besides, she had too many thoughts going through her mind, listening to Harry rattling off a list of all their damaged systems and crew injuries, so far, there had been no fatalities, this time. 

That soon changed with the death of Bendera. Chakotay had shared the story about how they had met while speaking at his funeral, and how they stood back to back fighting a group of miners Chakotay’s sense of humor had offended. The story, along with the other things he had shared with the group, only seemed to deepen the anger and sadness of the Maquis. 

Once the funeral had concluded, crewman Hogan, a blended Starfleet/Maquis, confronted Janeway about what she planned to do about the Kazon, and how many of them didn’t think they would get out of this sector alive. He had asked her how she felt about that, and she had turned the question back on him. He felt they should give the Kazon whatever they were after, what did they care about what they did with their technology, let them kill each other with it as far as he was concerned.

She had tried to explain the prime directive, that perhaps he wasn’t familiar with the general order. He interrupted her, explaining he was _very_ familiar with it but didn’t see how that really applied to their situation. His reasoning had gotten her ire up briefly, sighting she would destroy the ship first before she let any part of it fall into the hands of the Kazon. The rift between her and the Maquis only managed to widen with those words, even ruffling a few of the Starfleet feathers in the process. 

She and Chakotay had not yet formed the close relationship they now enjoyed and had very different ideas on how to handle that particular situation. Her Starfleet training in direct conflict with his Maquis principles. That was all behind them now. 

“Are you alright?” He asked, seeing her hesitating to move forward and turned toward her. 

She nodded, but what she felt was still far from the truth of what the simple gesture conveyed, and he could see it. This was the same place she had also, over a month ago, decided to end her life. The look on Chakotay’s face when it was revealed to her in this very room after he’d stopped her from completing the attempt, was angry and terrified. Those same feelings washed over her with an intensity she hadn’t felt then, but he strongly had. 

Without words, she left the room and stepped into the corridor, needing to remove herself from the reminder. Following, he studied her face then as she leaned back against the wall, her breath coming in short quick gasps. It almost looked like she was having a panic attack. Standing in front of her he gently grasped her by the upper arms. 

“Everything’s going to be fine. You’re alright, just breathe Kathryn,” he encouraged. 

Her eyes met his, nearly pleading with him for that to be true, wanted it to be more than anything. 

Tapping his com badge, he advised the team that he and Janeway were safely onboard but would need to take care of some business before they joined them. 

Tuvok was the first to acknowledge the information before the others followed suit. He took her into the storage room nearby, just in case someone happened to head down here for any reason. The last thing she would have wanted was for anyone to see her like this and took her in his arms. He held her close, providing the support she needed to get herself back under control. 

She leaned into him, allowing the safety of his arms to chase away the panic that had arisen suddenly and without expectation. Being here was drudging up and reminding her of the failure she thought she was, and what had brought them here in the first place. 

“Don’t even let yourself think it,” He said softly, his cheek pressed gently against the top of her head and gave her a loving squeeze, “We’re going to get them back. _You’re_ going to show them that you are more than capable to lead them once they learn how you bridged the gap between us and the Vanther. You made this collaboration possible, and we will solve this puzzle with you at the forefront, where you belong.”

She didn’t think she deserved the praise he was lavishing on her, “I only facilitated the meeting, it was everyone working together that provided the information.”

He pulled back slightly and used his finger to lift her chin so she would raise her eyes to his, “Don’t sell yourself short. If it wasn’t for you suggesting Tuvok to Inspector Olza and telling him about the other missing crew members, none of us would have gotten this far on our own. You allowed two pieces of a very complicated puzzle to come together. No one else did that, just you. Take the credit where it’s due, love.”

She smiled in that crooked way he loved and brought his lips to hers. They kissed gently, sweetly, she lingered longer against his lips than he initially intended and allowed her to end the kiss on her own terms and in her own time.

When the kiss ended, they opened their eyes and smiled at the other, and he could see she was already feeling more confident than a moment ago, “Shall we catch up with the others?” He suggested softly.

She nodded in agreement, “Let’s find our people and solve this puzzle,” she replied.

They parted and held hands for a moment, maintaining eye contact, and though his eyes tried to infuse as much of his love and complete trust in her abilities as a captain and as a woman. She could feel and see those feelings displayed without restraint, giving her the surge of confidence, she desperately needed at that moment, allowing her to put doubt aside and focus on the reasons why they were here. 

***

Zand had been holding on to this piece of information for a while now but felt it was necessary to finally share it. Perhaps, it would be the key that unlocked everything. 

Standing in sickbay with the Doctor and Tuvok, he reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a clear pillbox. Holding it up between his thumb and forefinger, they both stared at it curiously, “This is something our medical examiner found inserted into the back of the box victim. We can only hazard a guess as to what it is or what it was for, but he thinks it is some kind of tag like you would an animal used for study and released back into the wild. I’m going to allow you to examine it and see if you’re able to access any data it may contain,” he said and offered it to the Doctor.

Giving a nod he took it carefully, “I will need Seven’s help to analyze the information,” he said to both men, “We’ll let you know when and if we have something.”

They gave him an acknowledging nod and left the room in order to give him time to work. Heading for the turbolift, they headed to engineering to check on B’Elanna and Vorik’s status with the sensor grid and propulsion. Janeway and Chakotay were present when they arrived. Currently, Janeway was in the process of explaining how she and Chakotay believed that someone had purposely left the man there in the field for someone to find. It seemed the only reasonable explanation which made sense but discovering who their benefactor could be was another matter entirely.

“Captain Janeway, Commander Chakotay,” Zand greeted in turn, “It’s good to see you again. I wish I could say it was under better circumstances,” he said soberly. 

“I wish that were the case as well Inspector,” Janeway replied.

“I just caught the end of what you were saying just now, and I believe you’re correct. I have provided your Doctor with a metallic tag we collected from our male victim. He and Seven are in the process of attempting to access any information it may contain; however, it could take some time.”

 _“Doctor to Captain Janeway,”_ the familiar voice erupted over her com badge.

She tapped it to open the connection, “This is Janeway, go ahead.”

_“Please report to Sickbay immediately, the Vanther authorities have requested an emergency medical transport. It’s Ensign Kim.”_

Similar looks of surprise crossed everyone’s faces, _“On my way, Janeway out.”_

_***_

Tom Paris awoke feeling as if he’d just been running a marathon. Except, in this case, he was trying to run for his life. He had been easily recaptured and return to his cell, falling asleep from exhausting shortly thereafter. What had been done to him over the last week was harrowing, and it took every ounce of mental fortitude to not let it break him, but he was getting close to losing that fight. Fear and deep uncertainty had been his constant companions over the last week.

He didn’t think he would ever see B’Elanna again as he clung to the memory of her sweet face. He loved her, more than any woman he could name. She had been the one, the woman he was meant to be with, now she was gone. 

Slowly his eyes fluttered open, the dim lighting unobtrusive to his vision. It took several moments of reorientation before realizing he wasn’t alone as he moved to a sitting position. There was a woman leaning against the wall in front of him, her slight build seemed out of proportion, her larger head housed huge almond-shaped deep blue eyes, her face framed by long reddish hair. Immediately he pushed himself against the wall, afraid of what new hell might be awaiting him. 

_“I’m not here to hurt you,”_ she said, her eyes kind. 

The soft feminine voice spoke in his mind, as all their voices had, but she didn’t resemble the others, what little he had been able to see of them, _“Then-”_

She rose her hand, interrupting him, _“You don’t need to speak aloud, think it, I will hear you,”_ she instructed. 

He seemed wary and unsure, but did as told, _“What are you here for?”_

Her thin lips curled into a half-smile, one that reminded him of someone, but at the moment couldn’t think of who, his mind was still reeling, _“If we’re both going to get out of here alive, I’m going to need your help.”_

_“How can I possibly help you? I can’t even help myself,”_ he thought miserably. 

_“You have a powerful ship at your disposal,”_ she began, kneeling down on one knee, _“I can get you and the rest of your crew being held here out, but I have to go with you, along with one other. I can fool their sensors for perhaps a day, long enough for you to collect the rest of your crew, but we have to leave before they realize we’re gone.”_

_“How?”_ He replied curiously. 

_“You wouldn’t understand even if I had the time to explain it,”_ she answered, _“My brother and I will need passage to another system, from there we can disappear, after that, your crew will begin to forget we were ever on board, and more importantly, none of your crew will remember what they’ve experienced, I’ll make sure of it. It’s safer for everyone that way.”_

He didn’t have many options, and he had no way of knowing if this was just another trick, but at this point, he didn’t have anything to lose, _“Alright, what do I have to do?”_

Her smile grew wider, _“When we’re safely on board your ship, you will need to convince your Captain to begin the evacuation. Once your people are gone, mine will move on. They’ve already learned as much as they can about the genetic integrity of this planet’s species,”_ she explained. 

That might be more difficult than she imagined. Captain Janeway wasn’t necessarily an easy woman to convince without giving her something concrete, it was the way her mind worked. Her training and scientific eye were swayed by facts, not feelings alone, although she has surprised many of them on occasion, especially recently when it came to Ransom, _“That’s going to be a tall order without something definitive to convince her. What do you suggest?”_

The smile faded, her large expressive eyes grew pensive as she considered a solution, then the answer came to her, _“Tell her you know about the reoccurring dreams she’s been having about dying in space, and that your guest can explain once_ Voyager _is safely out of Vanther space. She’ll know what it means.”_

He didn’t have any clue as to how that might convince her, but he would do it none the less. In for a penny, in for a pound as the old saying goes, _“Okay, I’m in.”_


	9. Chapter 9

Everyone had followed Janeway to sickbay except for Torres and Vorik, the rest didn’t want to miss the information Harry might be able to tell them. When they entered, Janeway at the front, Chakotay just behind, followed by Tuvok and Zand. She headed over to the Doctor who was currently treating Harry with Seven’s assistance. 

“Status Doctor,” Janeway asked, clearly relieved yet concerned for the young man.

“I’m still assessing all his injuries, some are days, even weeks old. I will have to perform surgery to repair many of them, but he should make a full recovery. However, I had to sedate him the moment he arrived. He’s suffering from severe PTSD and will need extensive counseling, which will require…creative treatment in lieu of a Counselor,” The Doctor explained. 

“I’ll stay and assist the Doctor,” Janeway began purposefully, “Seven, perhaps you and the Inspector can determine the use of the metallic tag and see what you’re able to uncover. Chakotay, go to the bridge and start a sensor sweep, perhaps you can locate any of our other missing crewmen nearby. Tuvok, go with him and begin recalling any crewman within range. Keep me informed.”

“Yes Captain,” Seven acknowledged and traded places with her. 

Chakotay briefly caught Janeway’s eyes and smiled, gratified to see her becoming more like her old self before following the group out. She returned a quick smile before refocusing her attention back to the Doctor. It was the first time since the events of the _Equinox_ he felt she was reclaiming her command instead of allowing doubt to direct her decisions. 

***

Seven and Zand were working in the science lab. Actually, she was working, and he was observing. She had determined there was something more to the tags than just a means of tracking a target, the tag contained a great deal of information if she could find a way to access its database. 

The doors opened, and Seven was pleased to see Icheb enter, “I was asked to come and assist you once I came aboard. Commander Chakotay explained that you were attempting to analyze a metallic tag provided by Inspector Olza.”

“Yes,” she replied and gestured to the man standing next to her and made proper introductions between them before continuing, “I have ascertained that the tag does have a fairly sophisticated database. It appears this technology is clearly not ready for assimilation.”

Icheb gave a smile while Zand had a mix of surprise and apprehension, “She is, of course, joking Inspector,” he explained and approached the console Seven was working. Taking a look at the data, it reminded him of a similar technology used by a species already assimilated by the Borg many years ago, the Othgotons, “It’s a genetic drift. Once you can realign the sequence, you should be able to access the data,” he said. Seven began applying an algorithm to determine the sequence.

“What does that mean? Genetic drift?” Zand asked.

“Imagine you have two purebred blue rabbits, one male, and one female. The female dies, which ensures that the breed will never be pure again. This is what appears to be occurring here, the person’s genetic material has been fused with that of another species, yours for instance, which would result in a shift in the DNA sequence, a genetic drift if you will. Whoever created this tag designed it in such a way as to deny access to its contents until the separation of the genetic code is achieved, once again restoring their initial genetic sequence, ingenious really.” 

Zand only seemed more confused by the explanation, but trusted that they knew what they were doing, “I’ll have to take your word on that.”

It only took a few moments before the computer found the solution to the genetic puzzle, allowing them access to the data locked inside.

“This is an eximious development,” Seven stated, her expression appearing as amazed as she normally allowed any emotion to filter across her lovely features and tapped her com badge, “Seven to the Captain.”

_“Janeway here.”_

“I believe you will want to call a meeting regarding the results Icheb, and I just uncovered regarding the metallic tags Inspector Olza provided.”  
There was a slight pause, _“Acknowledged, Janeway out.”_

Moments later she heard the announcement over the internal com system that all senior officers report to the briefing room. She also hoped that the time spent discovering this information, would help Harry in some way and that the Doctor and the Captain were able to treat his physical injuries effectively. It would have to be enough for now.

***

“The data we’ve obtained from the metallic tag is genetic by design, storing not only biological, medical, and genetic data, but vital statistics,” Seven began standing in front of the wall monitor in the briefing room, “Icheb’s advanced knowledge of genetics has not only made it possible to access the data but decipher the information stored within. I believe it would be best to allow Icheb to explain further.”

Janeway, as the entire group minus Tom, Harry, and the Doctor turned their attention to him as he stood next to Seven. Data scrolled across the screen, “These are lines of genetic code, the nucleotide triplets of DNA and RNA molecules that carry genetic information in living cells. The man who wore this tag was not originally human, they were Vanther.”

“Impossible,” Zand blurted out automatically, “Our species are too different for this level of manipulation.”

“I believe you should hear the rest of what Icheb has to say Inspector before reaching a conclusion. He knows far more about genetics than anyone on board,” Seven stated.

He leaned back in the chair and took a breath, then gave a nod, an acknowledgment of his assurance that he would listen to the rest of what he had to say. “His name, according to the data was Drexare Naadold, twenty-two standard Ovotus years.”

Zand was genuinely surprised. Sitting up in his chair he leaned forward, almost stunned.

“Is there a problem Inspector?” Tuvok asked, concerned in his own way.

“You asked me to review any murder cases within the last five years to see if there were a pattern. I also checked all unsolved missing person’s cases as well, just to see if there could be a link there. That man Drexare Naadold, went missing almost three years ago. If I remember the report correctly, he went out to celebrate a birthday with friends and never made it home. He simply disappeared without a trace,” His eyes met Icheb’s, “Now you’re telling me he was taken by someone and his entire genetic code altered and made human?”

“Based on the data, it appears your race and humans are not that dissimilar. Human DNA and RNA strands were used at the base, the secondary genetic material is a culmination of other humanoid species. Whoever did this, genetically engineered your species to evolve into what they are today, using what they considered to be the best attributes of a given species to create your own. It is a process that appears to have been occurring for centuries.”

Now Zand was truly stunned, “Are you trying to tell me that despite all our internal differences, we evolved from Humans?” 

“Yes,” Icheb replied, “It is the human genome which was used as the basis for your species development.”

There was no reason for them to lie about the information, there was no advantage to be gained based on the kind of people they were. Deep down, he didn’t want to believe it, knowing it would change everything about his society if the knowledge were disseminated, “I don’t want this getting out, our world would only erupt into chaos if this knowledge fell into the wrong hands. We already have a growing movement of genetic purists who would use this information as a means of frightening the population, using it to garner even greater support for their cause. 

“As much as my species may appear enlightened, when we contacted our first alien species a little over two centuries ago, there was chaos and anarchy. Mass suicides, fanatical factions taking rise, both for and against the contact. It caused a divide we almost didn’t recover from; I’ll not be responsible for that happening again. If our people are meant to know this information, they will discover it on their own, until then, it remains with you.”

“Understood,” Janeway replied, “If you believe that’s best.”

“I know our scientists have expressed interest in studying your species in more detail, curious as to how we can look the same but be so different internally. You mustn’t allow them to have it. The box victim’s remains were so desiccated by the time he was found that there was just enough left to let our medical examiner know what race he was, but no more. In order to protect our citizens, I must ask that you vacate our world as soon as possible. I do not have the authority to request this, but I am asking you, as a citizen who loves his people, that you please do this,” He pleaded to Janeway, knowing she had the authority to make the decision to go.

She took a look around the room, gazing at her fellow officers. She could tell they were willing to honor his plea, but not until they found all their missing crew members. She in good conscience wouldn’t leave them behind either unless she knew for certain they were irretrievable.

“I am willing to honor your request Inspector, but I hope you will understand that I am unable to do so until we have located our missing crewmembers, or at the very least, determined their current status and retrieve them if possible.”

He nodded, not liking it, but understanding it, “I will return to the main security complex, see if I can find anything that will allow the process to go smoother. Perhaps someone has filed a report with us that I’ve not seen yet that might provide some additional clues. I will also advise our council that you are in the process of locating your crew and will be taking _Voyager_ into orbit in preparation for leaving our world, that you have decided to resume your journey home. If I uncover any information that will help, I will contact you.”

Janeway nodded and looked to B’Elanna and Vorik, “Are our thrusters, impulse, and warp drives back online?”

“Yes Captain,” B’Elanna answered, “We’re ready for lift-off whenever you are.”

“Chakotay,” Janeway said turning to him, “Do you feel you’re ready to take the helm?”

“Aye Captain,” he replied.

“Good enough. Tuvok, how many of the crew do we have back on board so far?”

“Fifty-three currently, we should be able to locate more of the crew once we are in orbit and transport them back to _Voyager_.”

“Understood. Please escort Inspector Olza back to the transporter room and return him to the main security complex as he’s requested,” She looked to Zand, 

“It’s been a pleasure working with you Inspector.”

“The feeling is mutual Captain,” he replied with a weary smile.

“Everyone report back to your stations, I’ll be in sickbay with the Doctor to check on Mister Kim. Dismissed.”

***

_Voyager_ lifted off the ground as soon as they’d received clearance, Tuvok had returned to the bridge to resume scanning for the crew. He’d managed to locate and transport all but thirty, Tom Paris was not among them, but of course, they would keep looking.

When Janeway entered sickbay, she was saddened to see Harry awake but restrained. He was somewhat calm, due to a mood enhancer the Doctor provided, but he still wasn’t himself. Laying a hand on his chest, she used the other and stroked his hair, giving him a warm smile. 

“You’re alright now Harry. I know that whatever you went through must have been traumatic, and we are prepared to help you no matter what or how long it takes, we just want you well again.”

“Kill me, please,” He begged her softly, “Make it stop hurting. I can’t go on this way.”

“Harry,” she said firmly, “I _won’t_ do that, I know you can survive this. We all love you, and we’ll stand by you no matter what. I know you can’t see it right now, but you _will_ get past this, you’re a survivor. You’ve already overcome so much and you _will_ overcome this. I promise you.”

He looked away, tears streaking his face. He felt he’d long surpassed any ability to cope with what’s happened to him. Fear was no longer the enemy; he’d moved passed it. All that was left, was a broken man named Harry Kim.


	10. Chapter 10

The next time Tom Paris saw his would-be benefactor, she had transported him, along with a large group of his former crew members, to a launch point located on the outside of the moon. She was carrying what could have been a baby in a sling across her chest and a small pack on her back. He assumed it was a baby since he would occasionally hear or see something moving inside. He hadn’t realized that the brother she was referring to was an infant.

There was no sense of movement as the bubble they found themselves lifted off the surface and began to move rapidly toward a ship in orbit. He would never have known they were moving if he couldn’t see the ship rushing at them. It made his stomach drop, thinking they were going to crash. There was a collective cry of terror from the group before the bubble stopped suddenly. It was _Voyager_ , and she never looked so beautiful. It was a sight he thought he’d never see again.

Slowly the bubble moved toward and then threw the hull. He could see through every deck as they passed until they reached the shuttle bay where the bubble landed and dissolved. Tom moved over to the internal com unit, physically he was okay, or at least he seemed to be. Many of his fellow crew weren’t as lucky, displaying a variety of ailments with confused looks on their faces. He suspected their memories had begun to fade regarding their experiences, just as his were beginning to. Everything except what he’d promised to tell the Captain about the woman who brought them here. 

“Paris to the bridge.”

There was a pause.

 _“Tom?”_ The voice belonged to Chakotay.

“Yes Commander, we just arrived from…somewhere. There are about twenty-five or thirty of us here, I’m not sure, I haven’t counted, but some of them need help.”

 _“Acknowledged, we’ll get the Doctor down there ASAP. I’ll let B’Elanna know you’re back and the Captain. Welcome back, Chakotay out.”_

Tom could hear the mixed emotions in his voice, happiness, surprise, disbelief. He’d probably feel the same way he thought as he turned to see the alien woman who had made this reunion possible, “Can you use the same technology to get yourself to my quarters? I’ll have the Captain come to you. I think it might be a little overwhelming for anyone else to find you here right now.”

She nodded and touched a device on her hand, she appeared to shift out of phase and began to float up, already familiar with the specs of their vessel.  
Moments later, the Captain, B’Elanna, the Doctor, and Seven entered the room. The Doctor and Seven began to access the crew’s injuries as B’Elanna rushed toward him, almost knocking the wind out of him when her body slammed against his and gripped him in her arms. 

“I never thought I’d see you again,” She whispered, her throat clenched tight, tears of happiness streaming down her cheeks. 

He held her back, feeling the same way. “I thought the same thing, but I’m here now, we’re together.” He felt the emotion of their reunion as much as she did, and he would show her the depth of his love later. 

Janeway stood back and surveyed the room, pleased to see her crew back together, but not for the reasons it happened. She wondered how they were able to approach and enter the ship without anyone knowing, which was worrying.

After several moments, the Doctor and Seven approached her and gave a brief report. “They are all relatively healthy, a few have some rather nasty injuries that I’ll need to treat in sickbay, but overall, none of them are able to recall where they’ve been or how long they might have been there,” The Doctor advised.

That information was disconcerting. She was hoping to determine who was responsible, but it was beginning to look as though it was a puzzle that would never be completely solved, and she didn’t like it, “Thank you, Doctor, Seven, you have my authorization to get whatever help you need to get our injured back to sickbay. Let the rest know that those who are able, report to their stations, we’re about to break orbit. After that, we’ll begin a rotation where they can get some rest.”

“Yes Captain,” The Doctor replied and both he and Seven returned to the group. 

Tom approached, holding B’Elanna’s hand, speaking quietly he said, “There is someone I need you to meet Captain. They are the ones responsible for getting us back to _Voyager_. She has a request to make of you, and I hope you’ll listen to her Captain, we owe her our lives.”

“I will, what is her name?”

He paused, “She never actually gave me one, but she did ask me to tell you that she knows why you keep having a reoccurring dream of floating in space.”

Janeway’s eyes grew slightly wide, “Thank you, Tom, where is she?”

“My quarters, I asked her to wait there for you. Please go alone, I don’t think you’ll want anyone else to hear what she has to tell you. I’m not completely certain what it is, but I have this feeling it’s not something you’ll want just anyone to hear,” he said.

“Protocol Mister Paris, states that a Captain should not meet with a member of an unknown alien species private for safety, you know this as well as I do,” she replied gently.

He nodded, “Then at least take someone you completely trust in with you.”

Now it was her turn to nod, “If you need anything, Tom, let me know,” she said before leaving the cargo bay. 

*** 

The young woman with no name, the one created as an experiment several years ago, had finally learned the truth of her existence. She was a living weapon, created as a means of destroying races like the Borg, the Caeliar, and the Q, just to name a few of the many races the Hevain viewed as a threat. The part of her which had been cultivated to yearn for exploration came from her mother, a human female she came to learn was named Kathryn Janeway.

Her father, a well-known scientist and genetic specialist had chosen her because of her scientific background, her drive for exploration, curiosity about the wonders of the universe, her deep sense of empathy and compassion for others, and strong moral, almost rigid compass which was more like a sixth sense when it came to judging the character of other races. They would need those parts of her personality to keep their weapon in check.

She was rarely denied any request and was given free rein to review and judge their methods for knowledge gathering. At first, she reasoned that as long as the species were not aware of the experiments being performed on them, she would be able to take comfort in the knowledge that they would be eventually released and blissfully unaware of the harrowing experience. Over time, she would learn how untrue that belief was. 

Their experiments were as benign and unobtrusive as they could make them, her father explained, but she knew it was a lie. The species they studied were only as useful as the information their bodies contained. Their methods of obtaining that knowledge were limited to what they could gather without doing irreparable harm. That is until the subject was no longer needed. 

This was how her mother and former first officer ended up floating in space above a planet they named New Earth. Once they had obtained the biomatter needed to create her, they jettisoned their bodies into space. Her father, always seeing the bigger picture, had them retrieved before they were too far gone to be reanimated. If the experiment was not successful, or they needed more data, to destroy them would be a wasted resource. So, their memories were altered to explain the lapse in time and their memories of being on their ship converted into random images and allowed to be absorbed into the subconscious before being left on the planet to continue out their normal life span. 

She hadn’t known who her mother was until her father had given her access to the information, extremely curious about who she was and the race which made up part of her own genetic structure. She began to review the data, learning about her though recorded memories. She wanted to meet her, let her know she was alive, but quickly realized that the woman Kathryn Janeway, would most likely never accept her. She was too alien, too strange to be accepted under the terms of how she came to be in the first place. Her mother would only feel the violation she’d endured at their hands, taking from her that which they had no right to take, and she wouldn’t be wrong to feel that way.

Her father had tagged both her and the man Chakotay, keeping tabs on them should they ever be needed. Pleased with his daughter’s progress, he was eager to create a second child, using the same woman whose DNA had helped him create her in the first place. 

When _Voyager_ approached Ovotus, it meant he would not have to employ much effort in obtaining her again, the procedure only taking less than a couple of Earth standard hours. Their deciding to stay on the planet not only meant he could do so at his leisure but take other samples that might be of use from the human crew she had brought with her. 

Their experiments in the creation of the Vanther had proven interesting over the centuries, having terraformed the planet and filling it with wildlife they recreated from several visits they’d made to Earth over the millennia. Creating a second Earth, but filling it with people modified from human DNA, using compatible biological material which would make them more durable, stronger, faster, intelligent. Creating a race of superhumans for the sole purpose of research and experimentation. The experiment having continued for more than five hundred years. 

Evolution was a fascinating endeavor, seeing how their new biology would adapt to the world around them. Watching as they made similar makes of the humans their species was based on but overcoming those challenges faster and with more creative solutions. Their race was still several thousand years away from creating the technology that would detect their presence, but once the Vanther came close to discovering them, the experiment would be destroyed before their presence could be uncovered. 

They deserved life, as far as she was concerned, as much as any other species. She then used her abilities to reach out to her mother, reconstructing a portion of the memory of she and Chakotay floating in space and embedding a subliminal message within. Without realizing it, Janeway had been encouraged to come to Ovotus without knowing its existence. Every course change she ordered, bringing her one step closer. 

The woman who was her daughter, would not only free herself from this cycle of control and explore the galaxy but put a stop to the cruel and malicious practices of the Hevain. She wouldn’t be stopping them all, but she could stop the ones running this experiment, stop them from harming others and end their practices of manipulation and interference. When the time was right, she would be ready. 

Tom Paris had only been aware of her desire to leave, and she really didn’t need passage aboard _Voyager_ to do it. Her reasons were personal. Wanting so much to meet and speak with the woman who was not only responsible for making her life possible but her brothers. They were both living weapons, and she would decide if, when, or how her abilities would be used. She would teach her brother about morality and compassion, love and empathy. He would grow up naturally, his biological processes left to grow at a normal pace unlike how she was created. He would have the chance to experience life in a way she never did. She would be the mother for him she never had. He would know love and acceptance. He would be allowed to choose his own fate. And they would live out the rest of their lives in peace. 

The base she’d rescued _Voyager’s_ crew from was now empty. She had wished them out of existence, her abilities allowing her to take actions _they_ were not aware of yet. Her bother was still an open book, it was still unknown as to what abilities he might develop, but she would be there to teach him how to temper any negative impulses. She would teach him how to care for others, and how to be a guardian to those who needed protection from races like the Hevain. They couldn’t be everywhere but would do what they could when they could. It was a freedom of choice she had never been given before, and she planned to use it wisely.


	11. Chapter 11

Janeway asked Chakotay to join her along with a security officer who would stand outside the door, just in case. When she told him about the woman Tom said was waiting for her, in his quarters no less, Chakotay didn’t know what to think. The mystery just kept getting stranger and stranger.

Entering her override code, the doors opened to see a woman with her back to them, trying to comfort what sounded like an infant. He had failed to mention that.

The woman turned toward them, appearing just as human, like themselves, just as the infant did. Her eyes were a deep blue, her hair long and auburn, her skin was as pale and smooth as her own as she and Chakotay cautiously stepped inside. An uncertain half-smile formed on her lips, reminding Chakotay of Kathryn’s quirky smirk. In fact, she seemed to remind him an awful lot of Kathryn, her features baring striking similarities. 

“Mister Paris told me you were responsible for rescuing him and the rest of _Voyager’s_ crew,” Kathryn said cautiously. 

“I was,” she confirmed, the smile a bit more confident.

“I don’t know why you would risk so much on behalf of strangers, but I want to thank you just the same,” she replied, returning the smile. 

“It’s nothing you wouldn’t have done,” the woman replied dismissively as her gaze went back to the now cooing infant in her arms.

The way she responded wasn’t missed by either of them. Silence filled the room for a moment before Kathryn spoke again, “If I might be so bold as to ask. How could you possibly know about the dream I’ve been having?”

The woman met her eyes, giving her a knowing expression, “There’s a lot I know about you. Both of you,” she said, her eyes touching upon Chakotay’s face, “But what I know isn’t as important as what I’m about to tell you,” she shifted the child in her arms slightly, “You won’t have to worry about being pursued by the ones who took your crew. I’ve taken care of them. However, once I’m gone, I’ve made certain that you and your crew will forget what happened here. Many of your memories of being on Ovotus will be altered, some will be fragmented, nothing is ever perfect I’m afraid. The information you’ve collected, along with the metallic tags implanted in some of your crew, have already been removed. It’s better that way. As for your Doctor, all he’ll believe is that he’s been offline for the last month.”

“Why not allow us to keep the knowledge we’ve obtained along with our memories?” Kathryn asked.

“Because it will only bring you harm…and pain,” she said more as an afterthought, “I don’t normally look like this you know, neither does he,” she indicated the baby in her arms, “I knew that if you saw what I really looked like it would be too strange and frightening for you.”

Kathryn gave a soft chuckle, “I don’t know, I’ve seen some pretty strange things over the years.” The woman’s smile only seemed halfhearted, even sad, “Have I said something wrong?”

“No,” she said shaking her head slightly, “I just…I wish I could…I’ve been waiting to meet you for a long time,” she finally finished.

She gave her a confused look, “Why? How do you know me?” 

The woman stared her straight in the eyes, wanting so much to reveal the truth, “Perhaps it would be better to show you.”

Kathryn began to see a rush of images in her head, revealing what the woman wanted to say but felt she could not. Once it was over, she stumbled backward, her hand going to her head feeling lightheaded for a moment. 

Chakotay’s strong arms steadied her, “Are you alright?”

Coming back to her senses, there were now tears poised in her eyes, staring straight into the woman’s, “I’m…fine,” she said absently and began approaching the young woman. She rose her hand and placed it against her cheek, understanding who she and the child were perfectly, even if Chakotay didn’t, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea,” she had to fight against the emotion rising in her throat, threatening to rob her of the ability of speech. 

Chakotay stared at them, confused, but said nothing.

“If you know me as well as you think you do, then you should have realized that despite the circumstances, _none_ of it would have been either of your fault. I would _never_ have rejected you,” Kathryn stated firmly. 

The woman smiled, tears falling from her eyes, “Would you like to hold him?” She asked.

“Yes, please,” she answered, and the woman carefully transferred the child into her arms, “Hello there little one,” She cooed softly at the boy, feeling overwhelmed with emotion. Using a finger, she gently caressed the infant’s cheek, “Edward,” she said, that’s your name, then she looked up at the woman and said, “Elizabeth is yours,” and the woman only smiled. Before she did or said anything further, she turned to Chakotay, who only seemed to grow more confused by the second, “Can you leave us alone for a moment? I’d like to speak to Elizabeth in private.”

He gave a careful nod, “I’ll just be outside. If you need me, call,” she gave him an acknowledging nod before turning back to face her. 

“I want to see your true face, both of you,” Kathryn requested, “If I’m never going to remember either of you later, I want to at least see and know you both as well as I can before then.”

Elizabeth nodded and closed her eyes, seconds later, their true faces were revealed. Kathryn reached out her hand again, but this time, to bring her close. She wanted to hug both her children before they disappeared from her memories forever. 

“I will cherish the name you have given me mother, as I will make certain he will cherish his. I will never forget you, and I will tell him of you when he’s old enough to understand,” she promised, holding her close, the way she’d wanted to for years now before pulling back and allowing space between them again. Elizabeth smiled as Kathryn held Edward in her arms, fawning over him, over them both. She wished there were a way to allow her to remember, but she knew the Hevain were dangerous, and what she didn’t know in this case would protect her and _Voyager’s_ crew. Additionally, if she knew she had two children out there she’d never stop looking for them, no matter how long it took, such as the nature of mothers. She would have to be the guardian of those memories for all of them.

“We have to go now, Mother,” 

Kathryn appeared heartbroken, and she was, “So soon? I need more time,” she pleaded.

“I wish there were an easier way, but to prolong the goodbye will only be more painful for you in the present. I will be watching over you and your crew, even though you won’t know it.”

Tears fell again from Kathryn’s eyes as she hugged and kissed both her children goodbye. She had to force herself to relinquish Edward to her, every part of her screaming to hang on to him, to them both. “Will I ever see either of you again?”

Elizabeth smiled, “I wouldn’t say never,” and this seemed to put her a bit more at ease. 

It seemed the moment her eyes blinked; they were gone, almost as if she had imagined the whole encounter, but she knew she hadn’t. Her knees went weak, and she sat down hard on Tom’s bed, her arms stretched down, hands pressed into the mattress. It was then she broke down completely, quietly, her heartfelt as if were breaking. Soon, she wouldn’t remember why she was in Tom’s quarters in the first place, or why there were tears staining her cheeks.

***

As they continued to get the ship ready to resume their journey, Chakotay had been hearing the same song and dance a lot of the crew were saying behind the Captain’s back. He gathered as many of the officers who had a problem with Janeway, to meet him in the messhall. The Vanther had asked them to leave for their own safety, fearing that they would continue being pursued by the genetic purists and that by their leaving, it would be better for their health and safety.

Many of the crew present were Starfleet’s command team, minus Janeway, and were now across from him as he stood over the group. He wanted them there in particular so they could pass on what he was about to say. Raising a hand, they settled. “I’ve been hearing some of you discussing the Captain’s ability to lead and granted she did let her behavior get out of control, but there were other mitigating factors that led to this behavior. I’m not defending what she did, but I understand it. What the _Equinox_ crew allowed themselves to do went against everything Starfleet stands for, and as a commander, Captain Janeway took that misuse of power personally. Which, by any definition, makes her just as human as the rest of us. 

“So, whatever doubts any of you may still be harboring about the Captain’s behavior, I suggest you find a way to make peace with them. She has proven her ability to lead this crew time and again, and in her heart, she cares about each of us. That hasn’t changed, in fact, if you look at her behavior during that time it’s because she cares so deeply, the example Ransom and his crew set was an affront to everything all of us should believe in. The principles and ideals of the Federation in their purest form. She adheres to those principles closely, has always led by example. If you allow yourself to think about it, I’m sure many of you would have reacted the same, which doesn’t make it right, it only makes us fallible. 

“From this point forward, all the bad-mouthing about the Captain is going to stop right here, right now, it serves no useful purpose. All of us need to move on from this, and if you don’t like it then I suggest you keep your mouth shut and do your job until you find a way to come to terms with it. Who she is, hasn’t changed, her ability to lead and make critical decisions that protect each of us hasn’t changed. She has sacrificed more for this crew than many of you will possibly ever know, and quite frankly, have probably never stopped to think about. The weight of the responsibility she carries is a burden most of you will never have to experience, and you should thank your lucky stars you don’t have to. Understood?”

There was a grumbling of yes sir’s which only irritated him, “Is that understood?” He said forcefully.

“Yes, sir,” this time the response was louder and more precise. 

“Good. We depart Ovotus within the hour. Dismissed.”

The senior staff gave him a series of approving nods as they left the room. This had been the push the crew needed to get their priorities pointed back in the right direction. They tried staying on the planet for a while, giving them a sense of freedom, they hadn’t felt in a few years, which was what they wanted. That is until elements in the Vanther population decided to take offense to the humans in the group, which had been done out of fear he knew. They looked too similar, and this frightened a small portion of their population, but large enough that it had become a real problem. 

The Vanther had to allocate more of their personnel and resources to protect their new guests, so they were still being confined, only in a prettier environment. After several of their people who dared venture beyond the protection of the housing complex were seriously injured, some of those injuries life-threatening, the Vanther put a stop to anyone leaving the complex altogether, for their own safety. It was then decided by their governing council that they should leave the planet and resume their journey, feeling this was the best way to resolve the issue without making them feel like prisoners.

So here they were, back where they started a little over a month ago. Resuming their journey toward home.

**One week later…**

After Chakotay’s talk, they did as he advised, and when one of them began to complain, there was a senior officer who was happy to remind them of Chakotay’s words, they would get no further sympathy on the subject. 

Currently, Janeway and Chakotay had just finished having their weekly dinner and were now sitting on the sofa having drinks. They hadn’t discussed their new relationship, and Chakotay wasn’t certain if it was something Kathryn was going to allow to continue. He feared, especially now that he knew what being with her was like, it would only make things awkward between them if she decided to end it. 

Over the last two hours, they laughed, joked, and teased each other, just as they’d always done. But there, in the back of his mind, was the lingering question he wanted to know the answer to. 

“I suppose,” she said holding the empty wine glass between her hands leaning forward, “that things are starting to get back to normal. It’s been hard in some ways, but nothing I can’t handle,” Then she paused, a half-smile forming on her lips, “I received a transmission from the Klingons informing me that a certain Federation first officer had a talk with the _Voyager_ crew. Apparently, he was very adamant about them refocusing their attention back to the mission at hand, getting home. You wouldn’t have any knowledge of that, would you?”

He smiled slightly and downed the last swallow of wine in his glass, “Not a clue, but it seems they got their point across. I haven’t heard any complaints,” he finished placing his glass on the table in front of him.

Her smile widened as she placed her own glass on the table before her thoughts began to drift, “I have this nagging feeling that I’ve forgotten something important, but for the life of me, I can’t think of what it could be. It’s been going on for a week now.”

“I find that if I stop thinking about it, and if it really is important, it will come back to me,” he said leaning back on the sofa, “Just give yourself time.”

She shook her head slightly, “In this case, I have a feeling it won’t. Although I’m not sure why.”

Silence fell between them. After a few moments, Chakotay said, “Well it’s getting late. Thank you for dinner. I should be going; we have a long day tomorrow,” and stood up.

She stood up and moved over to him. Reaching out, she took his hand, “Yes, we do have a long day tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean you have to go.”

Looking in her eyes, he could see desire there, “I wasn’t sure you still wanted to continue this,” he admitted.

She smiled, “I still don’t want to go public, but I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. I can’t be without you Chakotay, not when I know what it’s like to be with you. So, what I’m suggesting is a compromise, if you’re agreeable,” he nodded, listening, “When we’re here in my quarters or yours it’s just us, outside those doors, however, our conduct is strictly professional. I feel it’s the only way we can still function as a cohesive unit. However, if either of us starts bringing our personal relationship outside of those areas, we’ll have to call it off regardless of how painful that might be for both of us. Do you think you can do that?”

“I know I can, it’s you I’m worried about,” he said with a smile. She began to protest but he cut her off with a kiss, taking her into his arms, as she did him. Once the kiss ended, he said, “You were about to say something?”

“I can’t remember. Must not have been too important,” she replied and kissed him again. 

They made love that night, and in the morning, agreed that even though they would continue with this relationship, they couldn’t spend every night together, they would have to spread it out in order to deflect suspicion. 

There were a few close calls over the last couple of years, not to mention the interest Seven began showing in Chakotay. He went on a few dates with her, had to make her believe he was showing her a genuine effort to keep their relationship going but they never slept together. Besides, it only served to take any focus off the one he was really having. Once they got home, he finally came clean, admitting his feelings for Kathryn. Seven accepted it, already having doubts about their relationship before he revealed them. 

Kathryn wasn’t pleased about the relationship he was pretending to have with Seven, for many reasons. She didn’t want Seven hurt if she began to develop true feelings for Chakotay, and that was certainly possible since she obviously did. On the other hand, she didn’t like the idea of him kissing another woman, regardless of the reasons why, but in the end realized that she couldn’t have her cake and eat it too. If she was going to insist, they maintain this fiction, then there were some things she was going to have to learn to live with. Him dating Seven just happened to be one of those things that helped maintain the non-relationship status they were trying to present and drew the crew’s focus away from uncomfortable speculations. 

Once they were home, they slowly began to make their relationship public, and over time, were eventually married, which was something she wanted in order for Starfleet to take their relationship into consideration before assigning them anywhere. After her promotion to Admiral and his to Captain, they still managed to find a way to make their marriage work between short periods of separation until a position at Starfleet Academy became available for Chakotay to begin teaching, something he’d always wanted to do again.

He enjoyed teaching more than serving on a starship, besides, he’d have enough of space travel to last him a lifetime by then. It was shortly after he attained the position that they were pregnant, her finally agreeing to just the one child who happened to be a boy. She had wanted to name him Edward after her father, but decided against it in the end, not feeling right about it for some reason. Instead, they named him John Kolopak, which was her father’s middle name and Chakotay’s father’s name.

Life had turned out well for them, even with its share of ups and downs, as it does for any couple. Their love would only grow stronger over the years, as they raised their son who followed in their parent’s footsteps and joined Starfleet. He never questioned his parent’s love for him and went on to have a distinguished career of his own, marrying a woman he served with along the way and starting a family. Life had turned out perfect, for once.

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> Members, as well as guests, are free and able to leave comments on any of my work.


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